117 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-How To Resolve Conflict In Marriage

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 14 “Resolving Conflict With A Boundary Loving Spouse” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

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Call us at: 847-780-6632

 It’s not just the issues themselves that are a problem in marriage, it’s the ability to deal with them that is key!

*Being open to feedback is critical when dealing with marital issues

*You also have to be willing to look at yourself

*Finally, being able to see when you are wrong is extremely important

The people that do all the above things are called “Boundary Lovers”

Boundary Lovers share nine characteristics:

1) They are open to feedback and correction from others and gain understanding as a result of confrontation or feedback

2) They don’t become defensive when their spouse shares feedback

3) They take ownership of their own problems, choices, feelings, attitudes, and behaviors

4) They have the ability to see themselves and observe their behavior

5) They value the treasures of their spouse

6) They see their spouse as an individual, separate from themselves, with separate experiences

7) They allow their spouse the freedom to be different from them.

8) They respect the freedom and space of their spouse

9) They see their own need for growth and change

An overall strategy for dealing with conflict:

1) Observation: You have to notice the conflict and call it for what it is.

2) Confrontation: You must discuss the conflict.  The important part is to come at it with love.

3) Ownership, grief, and apology: Own your part of the problem.  Confess and apologize or express your hurt, but forgive.

4) Repentance: If you have been doing something to hurt your spouse: stop!  Change your behavior.

5) Involvement in the process: Commit to the process of repairing the relationship and stick with it!

6) Reexamination: Make sure to constantly check in

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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116 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-The Four Seasons of Marriage

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the book “The Four Seasons of Marriage” by Gary Chapman.

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Call us at: 847-780-6632

 We are on a road trip and recorded while we were cruising down the road!

We discussed the highlights of the book “The Four Seasons of Marriage” by Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages”

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115 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Do You And Your Spouse Have Conflict?

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 13 “Six Kinds Of Conflict” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

There are six main types of conflict.  It’s important to figure out what type you may be having so that you can better find a solution.

1) Sin of One Spouse

*This is when one spouse clearly sins against the other spouse.  That can be in a huge variety of ways: from having an affair to financial infidelity.

*This is always a great opportunity for the offended spouse to show mercy, humility, grace, and forgiveness to your spouse

*Do not minimize the sin, however.  It’s still important to call it what it is and explain the hurt you feel from it

*If the offender apologizes, accept their apology and say something like “If I notice it happening again, how do you want me to help you?  What do you want me to do?”

2) Immaturity or Brokenness of One Person

*Accept reality that you and your spouse are imperfect

*Someone may be disorganized or scatterbrained or depressed.  That doesn’t mean they are sinning against you, it just means that they are imperfect like you are

*Support your spouse in these situations.  They will never grow if they are just being nagged, judged, or condemned constantly.  Let them know that you are on their team

*You need to be honest with your spouse about problems, but not in a condemning way

*Get a plan that includes outside help.  That help may include counseling, financial coaching, an accountability network, etc.

*Make all problems mutual.  You have to guard against one being the “problem spouse” and one being the “good spouse” or even the “ok spouse”

3)Hurt Feelings That Are No One’s Fault

*It certainly is possible for someone to get their feelings hurt even when no one actually did anything wrong.  Usually this results from expectations that were never communicated

-Such as expecting your spouse to help you with the dishes after dinner even though you never asked them for help.  Then you get upset and angry at your spouse for not helping even though they didn’t actually do anything wrong.

*When you do get your feelings hurt, acknowledge it and be honest about it

*Make sure to point out that you realize they didn’t do anything wrong, but it hurt your feelings when…

-For example, saying “I know you didn’t do anything wrong.  But I felt hurt and unappreciated when I had to do the dishes all by myself earlier.  I have just been really stressed out lately”

*Empathize with your spouse if they come to you with something like this, do NOT devalue their feelings.

-You could respond with something like “I understand that hurt and those feelings.  I know sometimes I could just use a little help when I get stressed out to.”  You’re not saying it’s your fault, you are simply showing empathy.

*Identify upcoming potential problems and devise a plan.

-Keeping with our example, if you have a very hectic week ahead of you, make sure to talk about doing things to help prevent, alleviate, or even just acknowledge the stress that will come

*Avoid “going to court”  There is no judge and jury and in some cases no one is in the wrong, so you will just go crazy and drive yourselves apart trying to figure out who was right and who was wrong because the answer doesn’t exist.

4) Conflicting Desires

*This is just part of marriage: one likes McDonalds, the other Hardees, one likes action movies, the other likes comedies, etc.

*Avoid making your preference the moral high ground

-For example, one spouse chooses to spend free time watching TV or playing with the kids.  The other spouse spends free time doing projects around the house.  It’s easy for the project spouse to say he “should” be helping her, not relaxing.  The TV watching spouse may say that he deserves to watch TV and that she is wrong.  Don’t fall into this trap

*Don’t devalue your spouse’s preferences and desires as less important than what you want

*Always have the attitude of meeting your spouse’s desires before having your own needs met.  That is what marriage is all about!

5)Desires of One Person Versus the Needs of the Relationship

*Mom wants to go back to school, but the family needs her time and they need the money.  Or Dad wants to relocate for his job/career, but it will disrupt the family

*The major problem occurs when the marriage always serves one member and never the other.

6) Known Versus Unknown Problems

*Most of us have blind spots that we don’t realize we are doing something

*If the problem is known (something that has been discussed before), then:

-agree on what you will do if the problem reoccurs

-Confrontation should be an attempt to heal, not to control

-If you know about the problem, it is YOUR responsibility to fix it!

-If  it’s your spouse’s problem and you know about it, do not enable them

*If the problem is unknown by the offender:

-Have an agreement that you will always kindly let your spouse know of problems

-If you are confronted, don’t get defensive: be open to what they have to say

-Get honest feedback from friends, in many cases they will agree with your spouse

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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114 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Protecting Your Marriage From Intruders

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 12      ”Three’s A Crowd” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

There are many “intruders” that can weaken the marital bond:

*Work, kids, hobbies, tv, in-laws, church, internet/phones, finances, friends, addictions, affairs, etc.

*You must intentionally protect your marriage and invest time into it.  If you just let life happen to your marriage, chances are it will not be as strong

Be careful about triangulation in your marriage

*A wife talks to her best friend about her unhappiness with her husband, but doesn’t let HIM know her feelings

*A spouse makes their child a confidant, becoming closer to the child that to their spouse

*A husband is more invested in his parents (especially his mom) than in his wife

*Don’t be that third person in the middle of a marriage.  If a friend comes to you, ALWAYS encourage them to go to their spouse!

Learn to say “NO”

*Protecting your marriage means sometimes saying no to others

*Other people, other opportunities, other activities

*One of the most important sentences you can utter is “Let me check with my wife/husband first”

This does not mean that all outside relationships are bad

*Your spouse cannot be the end-all be-all of everything you need.

*But be careful, the people you go to for help outside your marriage should be FOR your marriage.  They should build that relationship up, not get between it.

Intruders are often the symptom of a deeper problem

*Business in schedule may be a symptom of wanting to avoid our spouse for example

*Date nights and getaways won’t generally solve any problems

*They are important, but will not work if you continue to ignore the real problem that is weakening your marriage

You must know your limits

*Often, spouses intend to invest time and energy into their marriage, but are so busy they just never get to it

*These spouses often just don’t realize the consequences of their over-commitments as other people (often spouses) are always there babysitting them and picking up the pieces

Be careful about taking your marriage for granted

*You are either growing toward each other or growing apart in your marriage: you are rarely staying steady

*A lack of crisis does not necessarily mean things are healthy

In order to have a strong marriage, you have to be able to set boundaries with others

*If you “belong” to everyone else because you can’t say no, then by default you don’t belong to your spouse

*Someone who finds themselves in the situation of not being able to say no to others often feels torn. He feels guilty if he ever says no, but he also feels terrible about no not spending time with his wife

*This person needs to just start being honest and truthful with those around him about his limitations.  Slowly start weeding out the intruders and they will start to feel a little more brave about setting the boundaries

*The other spouse needs to be loving without rescuing and truthful without nagging  (this is much, much harder than it sounds due to human nature to be a victim and whine)

Being different should not be a problem in a marriage

*St Paul says in Scripture that a body needs an eye and an ear, etc.

*The problem comes when you constantly go outside of the marriage because of your differences

*Make conflict your ally, not your enemy

The Intruders:

Work

*There may be other things going on with the workaholic such as attachment problems, demands for praise, lack of safety, or lack of freedom

Friends

*The other things at work here may be superficiality (not wanting to get too intimate with people), a past hurt in the marriage, rejection of the spouse, or sharing secrets with friends

Kids

*Some underlying issues with kids as intruders are hiding intimacy conflicts behind children, overidentifying with children, having better boundaries with the kids than the spouse, misperceptions about parenting and marriage

Affairs

*This is often a terrible, terrible symptom of these possible other problems: emptiness in the marriage, demands to be treated as perfect, victim-perpetrator-rescuer issues, boundary problems

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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113 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Honesty, Faithfulness, Compassion, Forgiveness, & Holiness

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapters 8-11      ”Honesty”, “Faithfulness”, “Compassion and Forgiveness”, and “Holiness” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Financial infidelity is a huge problem in marriages

*Whether it’s misleading about amount of debt, timeliness of bills, or things bought: you must be honest with your spouse about your current state

*The act of lying is always worse than what you are lying about to start with

*Think about if you are honest about all of the following things with your spouse: feelings, disappointments, desires (likes and dislikes), hurts, anger, sex, sins, failure, needs, and vulnerabilities

*Not being honest about resentment building is one of the most dangerous things you can have in a marriage

*You will have a deeper intimacy in your marriage the more you know them, really know them: which comes from honesty

*Being honest with each other also takes a ton of grace, openness, and forgiveness

A faithful spouse is one who can be trusted, depended upon, and believed in, and one in whom you can rest.  

*Being faithful is so much more than just not physically cheating on your spouse

*It can be doing what you say are going to do, coming home when you say you are going to, staying within the budget you agree upon, as well as staying sexually faithful

*Emotional affairs are just as dangerous: it could be a person, an addiction, a hobby, etc. that can get in between you and your spouse

*Often a spouse will say, well if he would have or wouldn’t have done this or that, then I wouldn’t have been unfaithful.  One person commits unfaithfulness, not two!

*If you ever have feelings of justification that an affair would be an ok idea, run to a trusted friend and allow them to talk sense into you!

A marriage must value compassion and forgiveness

*Your spouse will fail you, 100% for sure!

*You have two choices when your spouse screws up: beat them up for it or love them out of it!

*Act with humility toward your spouse when they sin.  You are certainly not better than them as you have your imperfections as well

*You can have more empathy toward your spouse if you are in tune with and acknowledge your own sins

*The person who failed must show a sense of forgiveness and a willingness to change

Imagine how amazing your marriage would be if both were on a constant pursuit of holiness 

*Someone should pursue holiness for their own sake, not just to win back a spouse they have wronged

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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112 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Debt Free Newlyweds With Dan and Julie

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we interview an awesome newlywed couple Dan and Julie Quates from Houston, Texas.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Dan and Julie share their amazing debt free story with us.  

They paid off $40,000 in debt in less than a couple of years!

The story of how they did it and how they adapted it to THEIR specific situation is inspiring!

They also share what the best part and the biggest struggle of their five month old marriage has been.

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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111 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Love of God and Spouse

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapters 7 &8,      ”Love of God” & “Love of Spouse” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Sometimes if you cannot commit to changing for each other, you can commit to change for God

*If we change to what God asks of us, the marriage relationship is bound to improve

*If each spouse travels toward God, they will travel closer to each other

Loving your spouse is so much more than just a feeling

*It means that you so deeply identify with your spouse that you feel the effects of your own behavior on your spouse.

*Spouses often don’t see how their actions are truly affecting their spouse

*To deeply identify with someone is to think about the effects of your behavior on that person

*It also means that you think of making your spouse’s life better

*You take the time to think about what it would be like to be in their situation

*For example, what would be helpful to her when I get home after she has been home with the kids all day

*Finally, it means that you want the best for your spouse even when your spouse can’t see what that is

*This could be something like doing an intervention and enrolling them in rehab even if they don’t think they need it

*It’s having the difficult confrontations and conversations because you love them

A successful marriage requires a deep sense of commitment

*If leaving the marriage is an option, why would you bother going through the pain and work of “fixing” your marriage

*An analogy would be that commitment to a surgery is vital.  If a patient decides halfway through heart surgery, they don’t want to do it anymore, they will die.  The surgeon still has work to do.  Maybe God still has work to do in you and your marriage.

To love your spouse also requires action

*Specifically, it requires you to actively love them in their love language

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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110 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-What Do You Value?

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 5, “What You Value Is What You’ll Have” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

What you value happens in your marriage and what you don’t will be absent

*Your values are the ultimate boundary in your marriage

*If you value honesty in your marriage, then you will not tolerate anything that violates honesty and we will also actively seek to build honesty in our marriage

The worst possible value in any relationship, especially marriage is your happiness!

*I really hate to burst your bubble here, but if that what it is all about, you are not ready to be married.

*A couple will continue to be more happy in their marriage after they go through a bunch of crap together.  The crap isn’t “fun” and you won’t be “happy” all the time, but true joy will be the result of going through it together

*The truth is that when we are not happy, something amazing may just be happening.

*That’s why if happiness is always the end all, be all, we will never have a successful marriage (or life for that matter)

*When you run into a problem in your marriage, it will be an opportunity of great growth which will ironically cause a deeper happiness (what I call joy) when you obtain that growth

*The paradox is that the more you seek after and obsess over happiness, the more it will elude you

Six values that will help you build a marriage that lasts:

1) Love of god

2) Love of Your Spouse

3) Honesty

4) Faithfulness

5) Compassion and Forgiveness

6) Holiness

“There are two kinds of people in this world: those who focus on what they want, always desiring it and never attaining it, and those who focus on what it takes to obtain what they want.  The latter do the work, delay the gratification, make sacrifices, and ultimately get the rewards of their work.”

Focus on cultivating the garden instead of demanding the fruit

This advice is perfect for marriage and it is also perfect for your finances!

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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109 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-How Do Two Become One

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 4, “It Takes Two to Make One” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Oneness is an important part of marriage, but before there is one, there must be two.

*If one or both spouses come into a marriage expecting the other to complete them, the marriage is going to break down

*A strong marriage require two MATURE individuals.

Complementing and completing each other are two different concepts.

*It’s one thing to say “I’m good at the finances” and “She’s good at cooking”, but it’s another to say “She could never figure out how to do the finances” or “I would die of starvation without her”.

*Once she becomes “Mommy” or he becomes “Sugar Daddy”, it makes it very hard to achieve oneness (intimacy).

*Completing someone means “making up for their immaturity as a person”.  That never works.

True adults aren’t codependent and require their spouses to take responsibility for themselves.

You are not the same person and need to appreciate and value your spouse’s differences

*A spouse needs to be able to view their spouse as an individual person, whose sole purpose is NOT to meet every one of your needs.

*Empathy for your spouse is the foundation for intimacy: put yourself in your spouse’s shoes for a moment

-If your spouse, for example, shares something they are feeling and all you do is make it about an accusation against you, then you are not experiencing with her, you are just being self-centered

*Your spouse will have different thoughts, moods, likes and dislikes than you and it’s vital that you learn to appreciate those differences in your spouse

It’s important to value your spouse’s freedom

*Each spouse should be free to pursue their own interests without feeling guilty (this has to be within reason of course)

*For example, I enjoy playing volleyball and should be allowed to pursue that

*I should not, however, insist on playing volleyball three times per week year round and travel on weekends for tournaments.  That’s ridiculous!

*Guys have to be very careful about overdoing golfing, hunting or fishing

*Ladies have to be very careful not to over-commit themselves to social and church activities

*If you are constantly controlling your spouse, they will eventually rebel against that

-Rebelling against control is the motivation behind many affairs and other marital problems: it’s extremely serious!

“Separateness and togetherness go hand in hand.  If you have too much separateness, you have no relationship because you become too disconnected.  But if you have no separateness, you also have no relationship because there are no longer two people involved.”

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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108 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Become More Lovable

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 3, “Setting Boundaries With Yourself: Becoming More Lovable” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

The first boundaries we have to place in marriage are on ourselves

*Many people see “marriage” problems as “spouse” problems, which is rather oversimplified

*No matter what the issue is in your marriage, you need to take the initiative to solve it

*Bottom line: stop blaming others and take responsibility for your actions, thoughts, feelings, etc.

*2 Corinthians 5:10 “For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad”.  We won’t be able to hide behind or blame someone else, it’s just you and God!

There is the phenomenon of “The Good Spouse” that can be dangerous

*In many marriages, one spouse is clearly the “bad” one: irresponsible, angry, etc.

*The suffering spouse often likes it when other people talk about how bad the other spouse is and it keeps the attention off of their own sins

*The good spouse often feels helpless in the relationship as well: they keep trying to be nicer and more loving and it generally doesn’t work instead of being truthful and honest

*Another problem is we may start to take a holier than though position (as if we are better than our spouse) which is extremely dangerous, both relationally and spiritually

Don’t forget you are husband and wife, not Mommy and son or Daddy and daughter

There are several character issues in our own lives that we can set boundaries on:

Playing God

*Often, we want to play God with our lives instead of following God

*It’s important for us to immerse ourselves in God through prayer, Scripture, church attendance, etc.

Denial

*You must admit who you truly are: don’t try to pretend with your spouse

*If you are insecure about something, admit it to your spouse instead of trying to overcompensate for it

Withdrawal from relationship

*When you fail to make deep connections to others, that is a serious problem: especially in a marriage

*Enlist the help of your spouse to let you know when you are withdrawing

*Try to understand what causes you to withdraw: fear of rejection, being controlled, or being judged

Irresponsibility

*Ask others that you trust to call you out when you are flaky

*Accept the consequences for your actions: ask the people in your life to not enable you (if you are late meeting friends, tell them to go ahead and leave for the party)

Self-Centerdness

*Learn to let go of the demand to be perfect or special

*Marriage by definition is selfless (this kind of goes along with choosing wisely)

Judgmentalism

*”When you live with a judge, you are always on trial”

*Ask for feedback on how your attitude hurts those you love

*Learn to receive compassion and forgiveness from God as judgmental people are often tough on themselves

*Work on your compassion for the faults of others

The biggest thing you need to put a boundary on is your attempt to control your spouse

*You must not have the attitude “I’ll love you as long as you…”

There are many ways couples attempt to control each other:

Guilt: The old-fashioned guilt trip is a classic way to control your spouse (“if you loved me, you would…”)

Anger: Temper tantrums, sarcastic remarks, even abuse can be used to control

Persistent assaults on the spouse’s boundaries: Begging, pleading, arguing, and controlling your spouse until they finally give into your want

Withholding Love: This may be the most powerful and egregious form of control over our spouse: withdraw until they give in

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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107 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-The Ten Laws of Boundaries In Marriage

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 2, “Applying the Ten Laws of Boundaries To Marriage” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Mike and Mandy discussed her birthday present and the blog he wrote about it.

Every marriage is different and it is impossible to say what is going on in each situation.  That’s why basic principles or laws are important

*For example, if someone says how can I keep my wife from spending too much money, she may have trouble with organization, she may be in denial that their is a problem, or she may have a controlling husband.  Who knows without digging deeper?

Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping

*In other words: our actions have consequences

*If a husband is running around the house moody all the time, there should be consequences for him because of that

*Instead of his wife and kids having to tip toe around his mood all the time and take on all of the consequence of his behavior, she may tell him the next time he is disrespectful to them, they will need to leave for a while to go to a movie or something to get some distance.  He will then have to deal with the result of his actions: loneliness and isolation

*It is a loving action to allow your spouse to deal with his consequences (instead of bailing him out) in order that he may grow.

*Ultimately, the sowing and the reaping should be with the same person: your spouse shouldn’t have to reap what you sow!

Law #2: The Law of Responsibility

*We are responsible TO each other, but not FOR each other

*If you are not living with responsibility to your spouse, you are basically a single person living a married life

Law #3: The Law of Power

*This law is based upon the idea that you cannot fix or change your spouse: that’s why it’s so important to CHOOSE WISELY

*If you are constantly asking “How can I get my spouse to…”, then you have the law of power messed up

*If you want your spouse to respect your boundaries, ask them how you can respect their boundaries

*You have the power to figure out how you are contributing to a given problem (rarely are marital problems 100% one spouse and %0 me) and then go about fixing yourself

-for example: you may step in when you shouldn’t when disciplining the kids and then complain about always being the bad guy

*You do have influence (the ability to sway your spouse), but that is different than control (forcing them)

Law #4: The Law of Respect

*This law is all about respecting other people’s boundaries

*The main question is do you respect your spouse’s freedom to say no to you?

Law #5: The Law of Motivation

*HAVING to do something is a sign that you are afraid of something

*You may have a fear of losing love, fear of a spouse’s anger, fear of being alone, fear of being a bad person, fear of losing the approval of others, etc.

*”To the extent you are free to say no,you are free to say yes to something your spouse wants”

*When you agree to do something, is the motivation love for your spouse or is it fear of losing something?

Law #6: The Law of Evaluation

*You have to evaluate your spouse’s behavior in terms of pain versus injury.

*Your spouse may feel “pain” from a boundary, but it may be doing no harm to them or the relationship

*For example, cutting off an out of control spending spouse’s credit card pay cause them pain, but it may not do any harm to the relationship.  There is a difference.  In fact, it may help them to grow up and learn how to live on a budget

Law #7: The Law of Proactivity

*Taking action to solve problems before they turn into a big blowup

*For example, sitting down with your spouse and discussing your need to go over the calendar for the week on Sunday nights.  That is being proactive instead of one night screaming “I never know what you have going on, I already scheduled something with my friends that night.  You always ruin my plans!”

Law #8: The Law of Envy

*If you are always looking at someone else and wanting what they have, it will not be good for your marriage

*For example, you may watch your spouse go out with friends one night a week and think “I wish I got to do that” and then just sit in your resentment.  Setting a boundary would be saying that on Tuesday nights, you are going to start going out with your friends.

*Again, this should be done in a loving way, not with the intent on revenge

Law #9: The Law of Activity

*Couples often fall into a habit of one being the initiator, the one who is “active”, while the other is very passive

*The passive one is by nature going to find it difficult to set boundaries

*Stop waiting for someone else to make the first move

Law #10: The Law of Exposure

*You must communicate your boundaries to each other

*You probably already have boundaries in your head, and if you don’t tell them to your spouse, resentment will build quickly!

Breaking these laws consistently within your marriage will inevitably have consequences!

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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Yesterday was my wife, Mandy’s birthday.  I won’t say how old she is, other than she was born in the 1900s (I stole that joke from her, she loves to use it).  I love to surprise her for her birthday.  It works for us and I think it is extremely exciting.  I have done many different things over the years, but they are almost always very simple and not very expensive (with the exception of her 30th birthday when I rented out the local skating rink for a private surprise party: now that was awesome!)  Let me share what I did this year with you.  I am not writing this because I want congratulations or anything, I am just hoping to give some inspiration and pass on some things I have learned in this department.

First things first.  When I am thinking about what to do for her birthday, I always keep her primary love language in mind.  I know that hers is quality time.  She feels the most loved by me when I spend quality time with her.  For others it may be words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, or physical touch.  So, I could write her a sweet letter,  clean the entire house, buy her some jewelry, or offer her a thirty minute massage for her birthday, but it won’t have the same impact.  Trust me, she would love all of those things (except for maybe the jewelry, she’s not a big jewelry person).  But if I did all of those things, and the only time I spent with her was the thirty minute massage and then I was completely busy for the several days surrounding her birthday, she would not be nearly as satisfied with the gifts.  So, whether husband or wife, please craft your gift around her style, not yours!  This is something I am much better about now than I used to be thanks to our reading of the book the Five Love Languages.

I decided to plan a trip out of town without the kids (which never happens).  The only exception to this was that we would take the 3 month old with us because I knew it would be easier for Mandy to just take her with us.  I booked a hotel through Priceline.  I love Priceline because we stayed at a very nice place for a very reasonable price.  Then I planned to take her to three of her favorite places to eat that are not in our town: Olive Garden for dinner Friday, followed by desert at the Cheesecake Factory, and then Macaroni Grill the next day for lunch before heading back home.  Since I normally have to work on Saturdays, I took the day off which meant a ton to her as well.  We were able to spend from about 5:15 pm on Friday until I went to work on Monday morning together.  Twenty two or so hours of that time was spent with just us (well, basically).  Needless to say, I think she greatly enjoyed it and I was able to just use our normal gift budget, normal gas budget, and then save back a little more to cover the whole thing.

The key is to know what your spouse’s love language is.  I highly recommend reading the book and learning each other’s language.  It makes everyday married life easier and really helps to personalize birthdays for them!  I don’t consider myself a very creative guy, so I know I need all the help I can get!

What are some of your favorite birthday stories?

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106 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Boundaries In Your Marriage

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 1, “What’s a Boundary, Anyway” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

-For marriages to thrive, there must be boundaries 

-Knowing where the boundary lines are in marriage means each spouse having ownership of him or herself

*so many times in marriage, we blame OUR behavior on our spouses, like we have no control over it

*You must take responsibility for your actions, attitudes, behaviors, feelings, etc.

*You are not at  the mercy of your spouse’s behaviors or problems

-Marriage is not slavery

*Each spouse needs to realize that they have freedom: they are never FORCED to do anything

*They may feel like or tell people they have no control, but that is absolutely not true!

-Freedom, responsibility, and love are the triangle of boundaries

*As one increases, the others do as well and the cycle continues

*As love increases, spouses become more free from the things that enslave them (sin), which causes them to gain greater responsibility of their life.  As they become more responsible, they are able to love more, and on and on.

-Boundaries are a way to keep the bad out while protecting the good

*A spouse, for example, may have to force an alcoholic to move out in order to protect the children and ultimately the marriage

-Boundaries are all about self-control

*You don’t impose them on your spouse, they are about yourself

*For example, you don’t say “you can’t talk to me like that”, but you can say “I will walk out of the room every time you talk to me like that”

-Example of boundaries include:

-Words

“No, I won’t do that”…”Yes, I want to do that”…etc.

-Truth

*We cannot cross the boundaries of universal truths (think Ten Commandments) and have healthy relationships

-Consequences

*Cancelling a credit card

*Ending an abusive conversation

*Going ahead and eating dinner when a spouse is late for the thousandth time

-Emotional Distance

*If your spouse has deeply violated your trust, you may have to take some time before they can earn your trust again

“I love you, but I don’t trust you.  I can’t be that close until we work this out.”

“When you show you are serious about getting some help, I will feel safe enough to open up to you again.”

*Be careful not to use this boundary with an impure heart just to get revenge instead of trying to resolve the conflict

-Physical Distance

*Removing oneself from an argument or heated situation

*Taking some time away from one another to sort things out

*Moving out to get treatment for an addiction

*Separating from physical abuse or substance abuse

*Moving into a shelter to protect children

-Other People

*Sometimes you may need a third party present to help give you the spine and support to set your boundaries with your spouse

-Time

*You have to know when to walk away and discuss something later

*Also, instead of trying to work on everything in your relationship all at once, you should set goals on when to work on specific things

-To run from a relationship is not setting boundaries at all

*Divorcing to “find oneself” is not setting boundaries, it’s running

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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Have you found yourself under a pile of debt?  This time of year can be especially scary when the credit card bills start coming due from Christmas.  There are several ways to get rid of this debt, some better than others.

1) Go to a credit counseling company.  Unfortunately, most of these companies are no good!  The first thing they will do is tell you to stop paying on your current debts.  Even if you have the money to make the minimums, they will advise you to stop.  I never recommend doing this if you have the money.  I once had a client who had signed up with one of these companies and they started taking out around $600 per month.   My client was under the impression that they were taking that money and paying their debts with it.  After 9 months, they realized that the company had paid nothing yet, so far the $600 per month had just covered the company’s fee!  Over $5,000 worth of fees and nothing had been paid on a debt!  Unfortunately, this happens to many other people.  Needless to say, I do not recommend going this route!

2) Default.  I recently came across an article at Market Watch titled “Why U.S. Might Be A Nation of Deadbeats.”   The basic gist of the article is that Americans are defaulting on their loans like never  before.  In fact, it has been widely celebrated that personal debt has decreased over the last few years.  This is a good thing except that 60% of that debt reduction has come from companies just writing it off.  In other words, for every $2 Americans have paid off, they have just not paid back $3.  I never recommend this as a plan of action either.  You spent the money, you need to pay it back.  There are rare exceptions (much more rare than it is used) when bankruptcy and default are necessary, but it should be a last resort after you have tried EVERYTHING else.

3) Extreme hard work.  This option doesn’t really sound fun, but it is the best one.  It starts with getting organized.  You have to list all of your debts and figure out what your balances are for each one so you know what you are up against.  That is usually the hardest step of all.   The dreaded budget is next.  Are you willing to make the cuts in your budget to get rid of your debt.  That includes getting rid of things like cable, expensive gifts, and potentially selling your way too expensive vehicle.  Then it is just a matter of getting to work: overtime, an extra job, etc.  Getting extremely intense will cause most people to become debt free in 2-3 years time.

Just over ten years ago, Mandy and I decided to go for option 3 to get rid of our debt.  It was intense, but extremely rewarding.  We have never regretted for a second taking the needed steps to change our financial future.

Is this year the year you do the same?

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There is an old adage about “opposites attract”.  However, studies have found that most of the time this is not true.  There is one area, though,  in which opposites do attract: spending habits.

Scott Rick of the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business and his colleagues analyzed surveys of more than 1,000 married and unmarried adults and found that people who spend very freely often marry people who are tightwads.  I have been talking about this for years.

It seems that many of the married couples I work with have one spender and one saver.  The advantage of this is that the spender will make sure the saver lives a little.  The saver will make sure the spender will be able to retire someday.  It seems like this is a great counterbalance that would help prosper a marriage.

The interesting thing is that their research found that when savers and spenders marry, there is greater marital conflict and lower marital satisfaction.  I believe this makes for an interesting situation.  If you are a spender: should you marry someone who is a saver even though you will fight about money more and have less marital satisfaction?  OR Should you marry another spender even though you may rack up piles of debt and have nothing saved for retirement?

What do you think?

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105 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-The Newlywed Life With Travis and Cassidy

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we have a discussion with newlyweds Travis and Cassidy.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

We check in with Travis and Cassidy to see how the married life is treating them since their wedding in September.

We discuss a variety of topics from money to communication.

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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As I look back on 2012, I think about all the amazing books I read and how I have learned from each and every one of them. I wanted to share some of them with you. I say “some of them” because I think I may be missing a few.  There are 30 listed below, so that isn’t too bad!  I challenge you to read the ones that are appropriate to your life. Reading is one of the best, least expensive ways to continue to grow in your knowledge.  I also do alot of my “reading” in the car while driving.  Although that may sound extremely dangerous, I mean by listening to them on CD.  I would say most of these came from my local public library as well, so they cost absolutely nothing!  No excuses, start reading!

Parenting Books I Read:

I tend to cycle through parenting books.  It is one of the jobs I take the most serious in life, so I want to constantly remind myself of my duties.  A little obsessive maybe, but I really do enjoy these books and I have no doubt that they make me a better father to my four girls:

Bringing up Girls by Dr. James Dobson
Daddy Dates by Greg Wright
Have A New Kid By Friday by Kevin Leman
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Dr. Meg Meeker

Marriage Books I Read:

Mandy and I read these books and then discuss them on the podcast.  It is a subject I am extremely passionate about and love to soak up all the information I can on growing a strong marriage.

Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Rocking the Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks

The Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West

The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey

Miscellaneous Books I Read:

When the Game Was Ours by Larry Bird and Magic Johnson

Suze Orman’s 2009 Action Plan by Suze Orman

Annuities For Dummies by Kerry Pechter

Quitter by Jon Acuff

The End of Molasses Classes by Ron Clark

Moneyball by Michael Lewis

A Decade of Hope by Dennis Smith

Can A Catholic Be A Democrat by David Carlin

Angel in the Rubble by Genelle Guzman-Mcmillan

The Last Season by Phil Jackson

Pearl Harbor: FDR Leads the Nation Into War by Steven M. Gillon

Being George Washington by Glenn Beck

Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher: A Political Marriage by Nicholas Wapshott

A biography of Ben Franklin (I don’t remember the title or author) oops!

A Bold, Fresh Piece of Humanity by Bill O’Reilly

John Adams by David McCullough

Love As a Way of Life by Gary Chapman

A Million Miles In A Thousand Years by Donald Miller

Business Books:

Entreleadership by Dave Ramsey

The 360 Degree Leader by John C Maxwell

The 5 Love Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace by Gary Chapman

Winners Never Cheat -Even in Difficult Times by Jon M. Huntsman

Let me know in the comments what books you read last year!

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104 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Have Fun, Invest, and Give Money Away

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  We take a look at Chapter 12: “Build Wealth Like Crazy.”

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*The seventh baby step is to build wealth

-If you haven’t figured out why you want to build wealth, now is the time

-Wealth does not solve all of your problems, in fact it comes with huge responsibility!

*The three main things to do with money is to have fun, invest, and give!

*It is ok to have fun with money when you can afford to

-You’ve been telling yourself for years that if you just sacrifice, it will be so much fun at the end.  Well, you’re at the end, so have fun!

-This can be hard to get used to when you have been sacrificing for so long

-Buy a new car, take your entire extended family on a 7 day cruise, buy a Harley.

-If you can do any of these things and your money position is barely affected, then go for it!

*Keep winning by investing

-Keep your investing simple, especially until you have over $10 million

-Stick with the growth stock mutual funds and PAID FOR real estate

-Surround yourself with great counsel: people that are smarter than you and can explain things to you easily.

-You ultimately make the decisions, do not do a deal just because one of your advisers says so!

-Your team should include an estate-planning attorney, a CPA or tax expert, an insurance pro, an investment pro, and a good realtor at least

-Make sure the people on your team have the heart of a teacher

-Eventually, you will reach the glorious Pinnacle Point where your money is working harder than you do

*Giving is the most fun of all!

-Margaret Thatcher: “No one would have remembered the good Samaritan if he hadn’t had money”

-”Money gives power to good intentions”

-This is what gives Mandy and I the most motivation to do well with our money!

*If you follow the Total Money Makeover plan, you will become wealthy someday.

-The key is to not start worshiping money

-You have to be especially careful with your children.  They can actually be at a severe disadvantage in life growing up affluent: especially character-wise

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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I recently came up across a 2011 census report showing the employment level and median salaries according to college major.  It showed some interesting numbers that I thought were worthy of commenting on.  The numbers were compiled of those 25 years and older.

The most likely to be employed full time, year round were those whose degrees were in computers, mathematics, and statistics (66.6%).  The least likely to be employed full time were education majors, with 33.9% not working at all in the previous year.  Honestly, this surprised me at first because I never realized it was hard to find work with an education degree.  It is very possible that I am out of touch in this area as I have not worked in education since 2005.  The other explanation I thought of was maybe there is a higher potential for stay-at-home moms among education majors.  According to Forbes, 78.7% of those who majored in education were women (in 2008).  The survey did not distinguish if someone wanted to work or chose not to in the previous year.

Those with science and engineering degrees had the highest median earnings at $101,000 per year for those who are self-employed and had an advanced degree.  Interestingly, if these same people would have just received a bachelor’s degree, the median wage drops to $52,000 for those self-employed. That is almost half!  I would say it is worth the money to get an advanced degree in that field!

In my Debt Free Graduate course, we take some time discussing college majors. The thing I emphasize is to not pick a major based on earning potential.  You really need to be passionate about it.  So, if you absolutely love engineering, then go for it!  It is a nice bonus that you will get paid very well to do what you love.  If you try to get into it when you have no passions for it, it will not work out.  If you happen to get through with your degree, you will most likely burn out very quickly once you begin your career.

It’s always interesting (to me, anyway) to take a look at these types of surveys, but ultimately you have control over the success of your life.  Your passion, determination, and work ethic will have a larger influence than anything else.

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103 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Pay Off Your Home Mortgage

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  We take a look at Chapter 11: “Pay Off the Home Mortgage: Be Ultrafit.”

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*We discuss Mike’s blog post about the Holidays!

*The sixth baby step is paying off the home mortgage

-Imagine what you could do having ZERO payments, not even a house payment!

*One myth is that it is wise to keep your home mortgage to get the tax deduction

-As we’ve talked about before, this is simple math

-If you pay $10,000 in mortgage interest in a year, it would save you $3,000 in taxes in a 30% bracket.

-So, does it make sense to pay the bank $10,000 in order to save $3,000

*Another myth is that it makes sense to keep your mortgage, and in fact borrow all you can against your home, and invest the money because of such low mortgage interest rates

-the main problem with this theory is that you are not factoring in risk

-Taxes and calculated risk erase any advantage of investing versus mortgage interest rates

*Taking out a fifteen year mortgage is the way to go!

-Admit that you won’t be the only person in the world who will pay extra on your 30 year mortgage like it is a 15 year mortgage

-Too many things will come up and force you not to pay extra (prom dresses, braces, babies!)

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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Are the holidays stressful for you?  Do they put extra strain on your marriage?  If you answered yes to either or both of those questions, you are certainly not alone.  Between traveling, business, and in-laws the stress level can run very high!

Here are a few tips to help lower your stress level this coming holiday season:

1) Laugh often.  

Don’t take everything so seriously.  As you get the kids ready, cook the dish to share, and run around from place to place: expect that it will not go perfectly.  Your 2 month old will poop their diaper right as you are getting ready to walk out the door for church.  You will forget to put an important ingredient in the dish.  You may even have car trouble.  The important thing is how you react.  Will you react by yelling at your spouse?  I hope not.  I know that it is extremely hard to stay calm in high stressful situations, but it is important to stay calm and just laugh.  You have to admit that it’s kind of funny that  your three year old has two different socks on.  It is amazing how keeping things light and less intense can do wonders for your marriage.

2) Keep the giving spirit.

As the cliche goes: “remember the reason for the season”.  I don’t know about you, but I am always in a more giving mood as Christmas approaches.  Think about how you can make this Christmas the best possible for your spouse.  It’s hard to enjoy anything if you are self-absorbed and only worried about yourself.  Does your spouse appreciate quality time with you?  Then make sure to carve out some time for the two of you to spend together, just the two of you.  Maybe your spouse appreciate words of affirmation: use this season as an opportunity to tell them how much you appreciate everything they do for you.  Keeping your spouse and others as your focus will allow you to experience the joy of giving of yourself to others.

3) Remember you won’t please everyone.

This can really be the hardest.  With so many people involved and so many places to be, you are bound to upset someone.  Grandma may be upset you weren’t able to make it to her house.  Your brother-in-law may not find the gag gift you got him as funny as you thought it was.  Make a plan ahead of time of how you are going to maneuver all of the places to be.  I believe it is great to try and make it to as many places as possible within reason.  If you are supposed to go to five different houses on Christmas day, that might be a little much.  But, within reason, it’s important to spend time with family and enjoy the company of others.  Keep numbers 1 and 2 above in mind!

Hopefully by following these three simple guidelines, the holidays can be a wonderful blessing for you and your spouse.  Have a very merry Christmas and may God bless your marriage!

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102 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Saving For Your Kids College

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  We take a look at Chapter 10: “College Funding: Make Sure the Kids Are Fit Too.”

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*Meg wrote us to clarify that the “2nd” house her and her husband bought was only $8,000!

*Understand the purpose of a college education before you fund it

-Remember that a college degree does not guarantee you anything: success, a job, etc.

-You will be successful in college and in life based on your work ethic, your determination, your passion.  Just because you have a degree does not mean you will automatically be rich

-College is not the answer to all of your kid’s problems

-College is a want, not a need!

*It absolutely IS possible to go to college without student loans

-Junior college, followed by a state college is very inexpensive comparatively speaking

-It is good for your student to work while in college

*Baby step 5 is to save for college

-39% of Americans with kids don’t save a dime towards college, 4% less than $1,000, and 25% have saved between $1,000 and $10,000.

*Save the money in an ESA (Educational Savings Accounts)

-You can invest it in any growth stock mutual fund you want

-The limit is $2,000 per year, per child  (assuming your joint income is under $220,000)

-If you want/need to save more money than $2,000 per year, then saving in a 529 flexible plan in the next best

*If you have no money saved, you can still go to college debt free if you are resourceful enough

-Private scholarships are available for just about anything and anybody you can think of

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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I don’t know about you, but I don’t plan on Social Security being there for my retirement.  The math just does not work.  Something major will happen in the next 35-40 years and I highly doubt it will be a good thing.  So what are you supposed to do?

The easy answer is to take matters in your own hands.  Don’t rely on the government for your well being in retirement.  My advice is to save money in good growth stock mutual funds.  That is what Mandy and I do and plan on using compound interest in our favor.

How do you know how much return to expect?  Although you can never be sure, the best way to know is to look at past performance.  Since I am talking about long term investing, it’s important to look at the long term track record of your funds.  I often tell people to find funds that have averaged 12 percent or more over their lifetime.  I often get some push-back from people telling me there is no way they can get that kind of return.  I will tell you that it definitely is possible.

Mandy and I are currently investing into 3 different mutual funds.  Here are their lifetime returns (after sales charges):

10.32 % return  1993 inception date international growth and income fund

13.16 % return   1973 inception date growth fund

12.07%  return 1973 inception date growth fund

These numbers include the huge financial downturn over the last several years.

Just to give you an idea on what these numbers mean:

If a 30 year old couple invested $300 per month into these funds ($100 in each fund) and got these same returns over the next 35 year period, they would have approximately 1.8 million dollars!

That’s right: invested $126,000 total and became $1.8 million.  If you invest this in a ROTH IRA, that growth is TAX FREE!

Bottom line: take responsibility for your retirement!  If you have 2 million dollars at retirement AND you happen to get some money from social security, I think you will forgive me for being wrong.

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101 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Retirement

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  We take a look at Chapter 9: “Maximize Retirement Investing: Be Financially Healthy For Life.”

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*Meg wrote in about her debt free story! You can read all about it here!

*Retirement should not be just about getting to the end of a career you hate and quitting

-if that is the case, then you should develop a game plan to change careers

-some scary stats:

*56% of Americans do not consistently prepare for retirement age by investing

*40% of those making less than $35,000 per year say that the best way for them to have $500,000 at retirement is to win the Lotto

*80% of Americans believe their standard of living will go up at retirement

*97% of 65-year olds cannot write a check for $600

*Baby step #4 is to invest 15 percent of your income in retirement

-15 percent is a good rule of thumb

-you don’t want to do much more because you need money for your kid’s college and to pay off the mortgage

-you don’t want to do much less because you have to have  a good enough nest egg for retirement

-Invest 15% of your gross income, don’t factor company matches in (that’s just gravy!)

-Also, don’t factor in Social Security benefits in your calculations, I certainly don’t plan on it being there!

*Mutual funds are the way to go!

-Growth stock mutual funds are great LONG TERM investments

-I have some that have averaged over 13 percent in their lifetime including this economic downturn!

-Find investments that have a long track record of doing well, don’t pay attention to what they did over the last year or even 3 years

-Spread them out over 4 types: Growth and Income (Large Cap), Growth (Mid Cap), International (Foreign), and Aggressive Growth (Small Cap)

-Always start where you get a match (usually a 401k)

-Then go to a ROTH IRA

-After the match and you max your ROTH, if you still have more to reach your 15%, put it back in your 401k

*There is an ideal nest egg to have, but you have to start where you are at

*Obviously, the younger you start investing the better.

*Your goal is to have a nest egg large enough to live off of 8% per year and let it grow 4% to keep up with inflation so you get a cost of living raise every year

-For example, if you think you can live with dignity on $40,000 per year, then you will need a nest egg of $500,000.

-This is not a get rich quick scheme, the tortoise beats the hare

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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Do you believe that marrying someone who shares the same faith with you is important?  Does marrying someone within your faith improve your chances of a successful marriage or is that just something your Grandma lectures about?  I recently came across a very interesting article about interfaith marriage.

In the marriage insurance series, I take a look at things about marriage that statistically give you a better chance of success.  That doesn’t mean it prevents divorce, it just is looking at statistics.  As religion and marriage is a very touchy subject, I just want you to remember that there are always exceptions to rules (and definitely to statistics!) and I am in no way judging anyone.  It is just my way of informing you, the reader, about what makes a marriage less likely to end in divorce, statistically speaking.

The article points out that a couple in an interfaith marriage are three times more likely to divorce than those couples who share the same faith.  That is no small amount.  I am sure there are many reasons why, but it does kind of make sense.  There are some issues that really are difficult to negotiate.  The biggest is obviously when kids enter the picture.  What faith will the children be raised in?   What church will you all go to or will you go separately?  These are all things that have to be considered and definitely discussed if you plan on entering an interfaith marriage!

The difference in beliefs can really show itself practically in a marriage as well.  I will use my Catholic faith as an example.  During Lent, I choose not to eat meat on Fridays.  If Mandy was not Catholic, she might think that is absolutely ridiculous and could literally cause tension when choosing meals.  An even bigger one is the use of contraception.  The Catholic may not intend on ever using contraception. The non-Catholic may only want two to three kids and  wants to do anything reasonably possible to prevent any more than that.  That is a deeply emotional and spiritual discussion that will have to happen.

I want to be clear: every marriage has things they have to work through and figure out.  No two people are the same, so there will always be differing views.  A divorce rate of three times more is something that gets your attention though.  If you are entering an interfaith marriage, make sure all of this is discussed ahead of time.  People make it work all the time, so it certainly can be done.

I would love to hear from those of you in an interfaith marriage.  Tell us in the comments how you make it work.  What is hard about it? What has been easier than you expected?  What advice do you have for those entering an interfaith marriage?

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100 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Big Fat Emergency Fund

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  We take a look at Chapter 8: “Finish the Emergency Fund: Kick Murphy Out.”

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*The third baby step is to finish the emergency fund

-Generally, a fully funded emergency fund covers three to six months of expenses

-Since the last few years, I recommend the six months to my clients

-In order for you to stay ahead (now that you are debt free and already ahead) you have to make sure a job layoff or blown engine won’t cripple you

-A poll in Parenting magazine said that 49 percent of Americans could cover less than one month’s expenses if they lost their income (I would think that has to be less now)

-You must be very clear on what an emergency fund is for.  It’s not for something you should have and could have saved up for

*It’s for something that was unforeseen like a job layoff, covering an insurance deductible due to an accident, etc.

-If you are married, you must discuss, pray about, and agree on using the money after sleeping on it

*Make sure the money is accessible

-In other words, it should be in something you can get to quickly without penalties

-Mutual funds (even outside of a retirement account) are not a good idea because if an emergency happens during a down market, you won’t want to sell them

-CDs are a bad idea too because of the penalties for early withdrawal

-Remember, this is NOT an investment

-A regular savings account or a money market account (with a mutual fund company) with check writing privileges is usually the best place for your emergency fund

*How much should be in your emergency fund?

-As stated before, I lean more towards six months

-Remember, it’s six months of EXPENSES, not income

*Everyone needs to be on board

-Do not clear out a savings fund down to $1,000 to pay down your debt if you are not “ALL IN”

-If, for some reason, you see yourself being in Baby Step 2 for more than 5 years, don’t clear out your savings account

*Men and women view the emergency fund differently

-men tend to be bugged by the emergency fund since it’s not “doing” anything

-women love it because it makes them feel much more secure

*A financial crisis becomes just an inconvenience when you have a fully funded emergency fund

*If you know you have a big emergency coming, stop the debt snowball and pile up money

-Examples could be a baby coming, your employer is closing in a few months, you got a large severance check as you got laid off, etc.

-If you don’t already own a home, after having your fully funded emergency fund is the time to start saving for a down payment on a house

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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099 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Get Rid Of Your Debt Fast

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  We take a look at Chapter 7: “The Debt Snowball: Lose Weight Fast, Really.”

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*You have to identify debt as the enemy

-Your income is your biggest wealth-building tool

-If most of your income is going out the door to payments, then you are unable to utilize it the most effectively

-Take a minute to add up all of your debt payments you have going out (mortgage, vehicles, student loan, CCs, other various debts (furniture, stereo, etc.)).  Send me the amount and I will tell you what that amount invested each month would look like in 15 years.  It will blow your mind!

-It takes extreme amounts of effort to get out of debt.  Most of you, honestly, won’t do it.  It’s too hard.

*The most effective way to pay of your debt is by using the debt snowball

-Remember, this is about behavior modification, not just math

-First, you need to make a list of your debts from smallest balance to largest balance (not including your mortgage).  I don’t care about the interest rates!

-It’s all about getting quick wins to keep you motivated and fired up

-Once you have this list, pay the minimum payments on every single one except the smallest one

-Any extra money you can squeeze goes towards  paying that first, smallest debt off

-Then, once it’s paid, the payment you were making plus the “extra” money goes on the next one.  That is how the snowball effect works.

-In order for this to work, you have to be over-the-top, radical intense

-Remember, you have to make a commitment to take on no more debt!  You will be tested early, you have to prove that you are committed to no more debt!

*You must do something to get the snowball rolling

-You may have to sell something: in fact, chances are you will have to sell the vehicle with the most debt on it

-Work overtime, get an extra job, anything to find the extra money to start paying down your debt!

*What about saving for retirement while paying off debt?

-Even though it may be really difficult to comprehend, you should stop contributing to retirement even if you get a match

-Think about how much you will be able to contribute to the plan once you have no payments going out

-The only exception is if you have a very deep hole with an extremely small shovel

*If you have to use the emergency fund, then stop the debt snowball temporarily to get the emergency fund back to $1,000, then return to it.

*If you have other large debts (such as a 2nd mortgage, business debt, or rental property debt), do not include them in the debt snowball if they are over 50% of your annual income.

*If you do whatever it takes and are fired up, baby step 2 should take an average of 18 to 20 months.

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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098 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-The First Step Toward Financial Freedom

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  We take a look at Chapter 6: “Save $1,o00 Fast: Walk Before You Run.”

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*The whole idea behind Dave Ramsey’s “system” is the baby steps

-The idea is to focus on one thing at a time and do that one thing excellent!

-Also, it prioritizes your focus because the steps build on one another.  They don’t work out of order

-The hardest thing about this is to trust the process.  You may be most concerned with paying for your kids’ college (step 5) because you have a 17 year old.  But if you start saving for that before having an emergency fund, then you’ll end up using the college fund for emergencies anyway.

*It is critical that you do a budget EVERY month

-That means doing one before the month begins, every month, telling your money exactly what you want it to do

-You and your spouse must work on this together if you are married

-The budget must balance: every dollar should have a name!

*Baby step 1a is to get caught up on your current bills

-this must take place first before you can even think about moving along the baby steps

-Get caught up first with your necessities: mortgage, vehicle, utilities, insurances, etc.

-Then, you can get caught up with the credit cards and other debtors

*Ultimately, for this process to work you have got to get fired up!

-All of the mechanical advice is worthless if you try to just work your way through changing your financial life without any passion

-You must get fed up, tired, pissed off and accept nothing less than getting control of your finances!

*The first baby step is to save $1,000 for a baby emergency fund

-You must have a rainy day fund because things WILL happen that you can’t foresee

-$1,00o will catch alot of the little things.  If you do have some big things happen, you should have the correct insurances in place to help cover that!

-This is for emergencies ONLY!

-Non-monthlies such as Christmas and car repairs are not emergencies, they are things you must plan for in your budget every month

-Credit cards are not a good emergency fund, break the cycle!

-The reason this step comes before paying off debt is because you don’t want to get de-railed from your plan by having an emergency come up.  If you do not have an emergency fund, you will put unexpected expenses on a credit card which defeats the purpose!

-You should be able to get your $1,000 very quickly: like in a month or two.  That may mean getting an extra job, selling something, working overtime, squeezing the budget extremely tight, or having a garage sale.

-Hide your money: in other words don’t make it easy to get ahold of

-Keep your emergency fund liquid: if you have a stock, bond, CD, savings bond, etc. cash them out.  You need the money available enough to be able to use quickly and not take on debt because you don’t want to mess with getting it

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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097 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Keeping Up With the Joneses

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  We take a look at Chapter 5: “Ignorance and Keeping Up
With the Joneses.”

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*No one is born with financial smarts

-Just as we have to learn every skill in life (how to drive, swing a golf club, play guitar), the same is true for handling money

-The biggest problem with our current culture is that we just aren’t taught how to handle money well!

-A huge part of the solution is teaching the information in schools

-Being ignorant does not mean you are dumb.  I am ignorant in many things!

-The key is to have a thirst to find out.  Read books, go to classes, read blogs, listen to podcasts, etc.

-The exact same thing can be applied to marriage as well!

*Keeping up with the Joneses is not a good plan

-Most couples who look like they are wealthy and doing great are flat out broke

-Many of us like to put up a facade that we are “extremely successful”

-The reason we do these things is because we think that having lots of stuff is successful

*a big house, nice cars, perfect wardrobe, etc.

-The truth is that the average millionaire just doesn’t care about those things

-It can be EXTREMELY difficult to stop the facade and start telling people you can’t afford things or that you are selling your house, car, etc.

*It is a major hit to the ego

-Sometimes it’s family (gift-giving, vacations) and other times it’s friends (dinners out, weekend trips) that give us the most pressure to spend when we know we shouldn’t

-The really cool thing is that if you sacrifice now (sell your brand new Chevy Tahoe), you will be able to do whatever you want financially later!

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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We all do it to a degree.  Your brother-in-law gets a sweet new ride and it makes you want to get a new (slightly better than his) vehicle really bad.  Or your sister goes on and on about how great having a cleaning lady is and it starts sounding like a great idea to you as well.  In fact, you may even convince yourself that it is impossible to NOT have one!

It’s the classic financial disease known as keeping up with the Joneses.  It is human nature to immediately feel that slight twinge of envy when someone you know gets something nice.  What will make or break your financial future is what you do next.  If you act on that feeling, you will get yourself in trouble very quickly.  If you acknowledge it, decide that your financial future is much more important than your image, and then move on, you won’t be living in a tent when you retire (unless of course you choose to just for fun).

The first step is to decide that you don’t care what others think of you.  Next, understand that most millionaires are hard to spot because they live very simple lives.  The ultra flashy people you see are most likely broke as  a joke and their house of cards will eventually start tumbling down.  If that is you, then now is the time to make the change!  Get control of your spending.  You may just need to help the Joneses out come retirement.

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096 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Secrets of the Rich

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  We take a look at Chapter 4: “Money Myths: The (Non)Secrets of the Rich.”

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*Risk denial is something in money that can get you in trouble

*Another major problem is people wanting to get rich quick.  Always looking for the easy way to riches.

*Myth: Everything will be fine when I retire, I know I’m not saving yet, but it will be okay.

-Planning on the government taking care of you in retirement is not a good plan!

*Gold is a good investment and will cover me if the economy collapses

-Long-term track record of gold is not that great: just barely above inflation

-Failed economies do not turn to gold in crisis (think Katrina)

*I can get rich quickly if I join these groups, buy this CD set, and work 3 hours a week

-Think infomercial: “learn the secrets and you too can become wealthy”

-If something sounds too good to be true, it is, RUN!

*Cash value life insurance will help me retire wealthy

-Over 70% of the life insurance policies sold today are cash value policies

-There are just so many things wrong with this type of insurance

*Playing the Lotto and other forms of gambling will make you rich

-The Lotto offers false hope, not a ticket out of poverty

-It’s sad when you see who plays the Lotto

*A mobile home will allow me to own something instead of rent, and that will help me build wealth.

-The main problem here is that much like a vehicle, trailers go down in value quickly

-The only exception may be if you buy a very inexpensive (read: already lost its value) trailer and live in it temporarily while you pay off debt, save for a house, etc.

*Prepaying for your funeral or your kids college is a good way to invest and protect against inflation

-Basically, your return on investment in this case is how much it goes up over time.  College, on average, is 7% and general inflation is around 4%

-You would be much better off investing in a mutual fund for that amount

*I don’t have time to work on a budget, retirement plan, or estate plan

-These three things are essential to a happy future for yourself and your family (or favorite charity!)

*The debt management companies on TV will save me

-First and foremost, when you use one of these companies, your credit report treats it as if you filed a chapter 13 bankruptcy

-They are also incompetent and charge HUGE fees in order to pay your debt down.

*My divorce decree says that I don’t have to pay the debt, so I don’t

-The divorce court does not have the power to take your name off of a debt.  If your name is on it, you are responsible for it: period!

*That collector was so helpful; he really likes me.

-They are not your friends and if they are nice it is a tactic

-NEVER send in money on a deal made over the phone without having it in writing first!

-Also, never give access to your checking account

*I’ll just file bankruptcy and start over; it seems so easy

-It is not a walk in the park and no one wants to go there

-Chapter 7 stays on your report for 10 years, Chapter 13 for 7 years

-Plus, many applications ask if you have EVER filed bankruptcy

*I can’t use cash because it is dangerous, I might get robbed

-Carrying cash does not increase your chances of getting robbed

*I can’t afford insurance

-As cliche as it might be, you can’t afford not to have insurance

-Not having life, disability, or health insurance can make a bad situation worse really fast!

*Doing a will is kind of morbid/creepy

-70% of Americans die without a will

-It is a gift to your loved ones and is another way of taking care of your family, just as getting a job is

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

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095 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Why You Don’t Need Debt

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.  We take a look at Chapter 3: “Debt Myths: Debt Is (Not) a Tool.”

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*Very simply, using debt is us wanting something and getting our way (much like a toddler) before we can actually afford them

*A big problem is that we have been told so many times that debt is a tool and that it is not only a good thing, but impossible to avoid!

*Time to address many of the myths that surround debt:

*Myth: debt is a tool and should be used to create prosperity

-often, risk is not calculated in

-this is often spewed by broke finance professors

-75% of the Forbes 400 richest people said that getting and staying out of debt was the #1 key to becoming wealthy

*Myth: If I loan money to friends or family, I am helping them

-is your relationship worth the amount of money being borrowed?

*By cosigning a loan, I am helping a friend or relative

-the reason the person needs a cosigner is because the lender has determined that they are highly unlikely to pay it back!  Does this sound like a good idea?

*Cash advance, payday loans, rent-to-own, title pawning, and tote-the-note car lots are needed to help lower income people get ahead

-these are all total rip-offs and keep the poor poor

*Ninety days same as cash equals using other people’s money for free

-First of all, you will often get a discount when you pay with cash

-Second, 89% of contracts convert to debt

*Car payments are a way of life, you’ll always have one

-the amount of money people spend on car payments is mind-blowing.

-I have worked with people who spend more in car payments than on their housing!

-Save up and pay cash!

*Leasing a car is what sophisticated people do.  You should lease things that go down in value and take the tax advantage

-The average interest rate on leases is 14 percent!

-The math on these deals shows that they are a terrible idea!

*You can get a good deal on a new car at zero percent interest

-When a car loses 60% of its value in the first 4 years, you are not getting a good deal

*You should get a credit card to build your credit history

-Some criteria to qualify for a mortgage without having to have a history of debt:

*Pay your landlord early or on time for two years

*You have been in the same career field for two years

*You have a good down payment (preferably 20%)

*You have no other credit, good or bad

*Your payment is within 25% of your take home pay

*You need a credit card to rent a car, check into a hotel, or buy online

-the debit card will do all of these things

*The debit card has more risk than a credit card

-Visa, for example, has a zero liability policy if someone fraudulently uses your debit card

*If you pay your credit card off every month, you get the free use of someone else’s money

-60% of people do not pay off their credit cards every month

-The BIGGEST problem is that studies have shown you will spend 12 to 18% more when using a credit card versus using cash

*Your teenager should get a credit card so he or she will learn to be responsible with money

-this is a great way to set up your teen for a lifetime (or at least a decade or so) of debt-filled misery

*Debt consolidation is a good idea because it saves interest and you have one, smaller payment

*debt consolidation in itself is not wrong or evil

*the problem is it makes you feel like you actually did something with your debt, but you didn’t

*78% of the time, someone who consolidates debt racks it up again

*it causes you to be in debt longer b/c it just extends the terms of the debt

*If no one used debt, our economy would collapse

-sure, if everyone quit using debt immediately all at once

-but, if it was done over time, the economy would prosper, just think about it!

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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094 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Get Your Head Out of the Sand

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*It’s important to first realize that there is a problem with your finances

-You have to ask yourself if it is acceptable to just be doing ok with your money

*You don’t want to be FORCED to get your financial house in order by circumstances

-What would happen to you and your family right now if one of you lost a job, if you lost the ability to work, etc?

*The cliche of cooking a frog applies to your money situation!

*The problem is that change is painful

-Many people put off changing their financial situation because they know it’s going to hurt

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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The title may seem ironic considering I give financial advice.  Through my reading of many financial blogs/journals/magazines, I have found that there is some really bad advice out there.  Much of it is really good.  In fact, I would say most of it is very good.

I came across an article titled 9 Missteps on the Path to Financial Aid from Smartmoney.com the other day.  Most of the information was very helpful to people who have children going to school soon.  There was one bit of advice, however, that got my blood boiling.

The author suggested that you take steps to lower your annual income the year before you apply for the FAFSA in order to get more aid.  This may sound like a decent idea, but I want to examine the very math the author used as an example.  Ms. Ensign states that if you currently have an income of $150,000, for example, then you should “cut your pay” to $100,000 in order to be eligible for about $15,000 more aid annually.

So, let me get this straight.  I should decrease my income by $50,000 in order to save $15,000.  Is it me or does that seem absolutely ridiculous?  I have a better idea.  Still receive the $50,000, pay the college $15,000 and then you have an extra $35,000 to do whatever you want with!  I mean, really.  Is this even a discussion?

Unless I am missing something, the advice given by Ms. Ensign is terrible.  My overall point is to be careful with what you read.  This wasn’t just an average Joe sitting in his living room writing his opinion on money.  This was advice from a very well established financial magazine.  The same kind of dribble is often taught in college finance classes as well.  Read and learn all you can about money, but make sure to think through all the advice given and, IF it makes sense, THEN put it into practice!  Of course, that’s just my opinion and I don’t have over 800,000 subscribers.

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Resentment.  It is a quiet, hidden poison that can take out your marriage.  It is not something that shows up in a marriage instantly.  Resentment slowly builds over time.  So, how in the world can you avoid it in your marriage?

The easiest way to avoid resentment in your marriage is to lay it all out there.  If your spouse does something to hurt you, it is best to bring it up and talk it out.  Now, this certainly does not mean that you nitpick and nag each other to death.  Respectfully bringing it up, however, is much better than stuffing it.

The biggest problem with resentment is that it causes you to lose respect for yourself.  Once respect is gone, it is nearly impossible to have deep, intimate love.  You’ll start viewing EVERYTHING your spouse does in a negative way.  Even if your spouse tries to do something nice for you, you will only see it as manipulation” What does he/she want from me?”

Bottom line: next time you have that burn in your gut about something your spouse does, try discussing it with them.  Laying it all out there will prevent resentment and disrespect from creeping its way into your marriage.

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093 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-
Faith With Travis and Cassidy

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we talked again with our resident engaged couple: Travis and Cassidy.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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It is most certainly that time of year. The kids are back in school which means the list of activities available for the kids are plentiful. How do you decide among the choices of soccer, karate, piano, dance, and gymnastics without breaking the budget? Here are a few tips to guide you through:

1) Realize that little Johnny or little Suzy most likely is not going to be the next Gabrielle Douglas or Michael Phelps.

Especially during Olympic years, many parents start having grand dreams for their kids.  There is certainly nothing wrong with exposing your kids to different activities and then seeing if they have a talent for AND love for a particular sport.  Just don’t go crazy with the aspirations.  There are parents who spend thousands, even tens of thousands, of dollars per year for their little one to train with a particular person or place.  Unfortunately, there are many people out there who will take advantage of this and promise big things to overly excited parents.  While almost all activities cost some money,  just be reasonable with what you spend.

2) Look at your budget.

This is how you know what you should spend.  If you are having trouble covering the mortgage, keeping the lights on, and putting food on the table, then spending just about anything on kids activities is out of line.  If your child truly has a talent, taking a little time off from that activity for a short period while you get back on your feet is not going to ruin them.  On the other hand, if you make $20,000 per month, have no debt, are saving for retirement and happen to be spending $500 per month for a private golf coach, then more power to you.  If that is what you want to spend your money on and you can afford it, then go for it.  Just remember about opportunity cost.  Anytime you spend money on something, you cannot spend that money on something else (like maybe an investment).  Bottom line is that you need to do a budget before each month begins and determine what you can truly afford.  That beats willy-nilly (that is a technical financial term by the way) saying yes to every single thing your little one wants to do.

3) Don’t ruin dinner.

Speaking of saying yes to everything, don’t do that!  It’s important that you determine, as the parents, what is appropriate for the amount to time your kids spend in activities outside of the home.  Mandy and I are constantly discussing this and have determined that our first grader doesn’t need to be involved with more than one activity at any given time.  This can be really tough, but it is important that we eat dinner together as a family every night possible.  During the school year, that means she only does dance.  She absolutely loves it.  It is tempting to sign her up for theater classes (which she did during the summer and loved) or soccer (she loves playing sports as well), but we have just decided that family time is too important.  Instead, we act out things at home or I play soccer with her in the backyard.  That doesn’t mean she is getting top notch training from us or anything, but she is only in first grade!  As she gets older, we plan to expose her to more things, but it still will have to be within reason.  If you have never discussed this as a family before, now is the time!  Just like financial opportunity cost, remember that when you spend your time doing one thing, that is time you can never get  back!

Hopefully these tips will help you make sense of the chaos that can ensue from kids activities.  The key is to have a plan and stick to it.  I seem to say that about a lot of things!

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092 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Our Way Of Playing the Money Game

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss our financial journey.  It is our introduction to the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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Money fights and money problems are often the most cited cause of divorce in the United States. If you have ever had one of these money fights, you can probably understand why it can lead to divorce. Emotions often run high and defensiveness even higher. How can you possibly help prevent these fights?

It’s easy, do a budget. Why a budget? If you can start agreeing on where to spend your money, you are basically agreeing on your hopes and dreams. For example, you may both share the dream of going to Hawaii for vacation in three years. You will have to make that happen in your budget starting now so you can pay for it when the time comes.

Just to clarify, I am talking about doing a budget BEFORE each month begins. Many people believe doing a budget means looking back at how much you spent where. I want to encourage you to sit down together and spend the coming month’s income ON PAPER. Every dollar should have a name, even if that means you are purposely putting money into savings.

If you can start agreeing on money and get excited about having a plan together, money can become one of the best parts of your marriage. Just get that pencil and paper out and get to work.

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091 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Infertility

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the seventh chapter of the book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West, “I Do…But Not As God Intends”.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

 -The author presents seven questions that are extremely interesting to ask yourself and to put serious thought into when thinking about the topic of “reproductive technologies”

1) Are we the masters of human life?

2) Is a child a gift from God?

3) Can a gift be demanded?

4) Do couples have the right to children at any cost?

5) Do couples have a “right” to children at all?

6) Are we free to determine what is good and evil?

7) Are God’s commandments meant to bring us happiness or keep us from it?

-What could possibly be wrong with technologies that are intended to bring life into the world, especially with the Church being so pro-family and pro-child?

*It actually lines up exactly with what the Church teaches on contraception.  The bottom line is that sex and babies should never be separated.

*If a technology assists in conceiving a child within the context of marital sex then it is certainly ok and even applauded

*But, if it replaces marital sex in order to conceive, then it is a major problem.

*The separation of conception and marital sex can lead to the following evils
-masturbation (as a means to obtain sperm)

-”excess” human lives that are either destroyed or frozen for “use” later

-the trafficking of gametes

-insemination of unmarried women which leads to all of the problems that arise with fatherless children

*a child should never be viewed as a product to obtain, but instead a person to love

*It is extremely tempting for couples to use a “quality control” mentality when they are paying thousands for a new baby

-Is the Church saying children conceived from these technologies aren’t created by God, or aren’t made in his image?

*no person would exist without God willing them to life

*but, that doesn’t mean he wants us to use these methods (just like a child born of rape or incest)

-We play God every time we have surgery or take medicine.  What’s the difference with these reproductive technologies?

*The key is working within God’s plan using technology and medicine to save a life or restore health.  That’s much different than trying to become the “creator” of life.

-Why is adoption acceptable: it’s not the fruit of the parents’ union?

*Providing a loving home for a child who already exists is massively different than manipulating a child into being

-Wouldn’t it be a loving thing to be a surrogate mother for a friend or relative who cannot concieve?

*It is never loving to participate in someone else going against God’s will.  Instead, pray for the couple and encourage them to learn the Church’s teachings on this topic

-Didn’t God call for us to have dominion over nature?

*He called for us to have dominion over animals, that does not extend to dominion over humans.

-What’s wrong with unmarried women having children if they long to do so?

*First of all, no matter the circumstances, the procedures are wrong, period.

*Secondly, it can only be seen as a self-serving act for a woman to choose to have a child without a father.  It’s one thing for the father not to be involved through no fault of the mother’s own, it’s another to choose to have a fatherless child.

-It’s terribly cruel for the Church to deny a loving married couple the joy of having a child when they so desperately want one.

*Again, the couple’s desire does not change the fact that it is immoral to create a human life artificially.

*Children are gifts from God, they are not something that anyone is entitled to or can demand.

*A couple is encouraged to do everything to make the conditions as favorable as possible to conceive within the marital act

-So what is a couple supposed to do if they can’t conceive?

*The first step is to take an NFP class.  That way they can learn the cycle and ensure they are trying during the fertile part of the month.

*If, after six months of being sure you are trying during the fertile times, you are still not pregnant, then contact the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Reproduction.

*Ultimately, if it is just not happening, adoption is a great option.

-Is it ok to masturbate in order to check sperm count?

*No, the ends does not justify the means.

*You can capture sperm using a “perforated condom”

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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In the personal finance world, the credit score is one of the most talked about topics. Some financial experts practically salivate when it comes to discussing credit score. It is probably the topic most often brought up by my financial clients as well. Many are surprised when I tell them I really don’t care about their score.

My philosophy is that if you do the things I teach, you are not going to be very concerned about your financial score either. In fact, my goal is to get it to 0 as quick as I can. We still have our mortgage, but other than that, we have had no debt for about seven and a half years. Hopefully, we will not have a mortgage within another seven years or so.

Based on how the FICO score is calculated, both Mandy and I’s credit score will drop quickly after we no longer have ANY debt. I can guarantee I will not be losing any sleep over that!

The main concern I get from clients is what will happen if they want to get a loan if they are not concerned about their credit score. My first response is that hopefully you don’t want to get any more loans. If you follow what I teach, you will not. But, let’s say you need to get a mortgage in the future (I’m ok with that). A recent article at smartmoney.com discussed that most banks look at much more than credit scores now. They actually look at things such as net worth, income, etc. to determine if someone is a good candidate to get a loan.

The bottom line: to answer the question “How important is your credit score?”, it depends.  It depends on what your overall financial goals are .  If you want to continue to use debt, then it is extremely important.  If, however, you don’t plan on having debt in your life, then it should not really be that important.  It’s certainly not to me!

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090 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Contraception

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the sixth chapter of the book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West, “I Do…Not”.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*What could possibly be wrong with contraception?

-the whole point of sex within marriage is to renew the wedding vows and part of that is openness to children

-”Sex is meant to proclaim to the world that God is life-giving love.  An intentionally sterilized act of intercourse proclaims the opposite: God is not life-giving love”

*a couple may love each other in many authentic ways, but a couple having contraceptive sex can never be in an act of authentic love. We can’t just make up the definition of love to what we want it to be

*So is every couple supposed to just have 12 kids?

-if a couple has a just reason to space out their kids, then they can abstain from sex.  It happens during other times of marriage (if one is sick or right after a wife gives birth).  It’s what separates us from animals.

*Are you saying if a couple needs to avoid pregnancy, they have to wait until menopause to have sex?

-First of all: no.  Using menopause as an example, would a couple who has sex after menopause be violating their wedding vows if they can’t get pregnant?  No because they didn’t do anything to prevent pregnancy, it is God’s design.

-The same is true for Natural Family Planning, if a couple chooses to have sex during an infertile day, it’s nothing they are doing to prevent pregnancy, it’s God’s design.

*Isn’t that splitting hairs, what’s the difference?

-Is there a difference between abortion and a miscarriage?

-Is there a difference between suicide and natural death?

*Isn’t refusing to have sex even more of a contradiction of your wedding vows than having protected sex?

-Only if you were refusing to have sex out of spite for your spouse or for hatred of children of something would it be a problem

-If it’s agreed upon by both spouses to avoid pregnancy for a just reason, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with it

 *What’s the difference between artificial and natural contraception?

-It’s actually contraception that the Church is against. If a couple is using NFP, they are not preventing anything at all and THAT is the definition of contraception.

*If God gave us the technology to control our fertility, we should be able to use it.

-The use of modern medicine should always to used to help the body function as intended. For example, it would be great to use technology to give sight to a blind man. It would be terrible to use technology to purposely make a sighted man blind. Medicine is used to cure disease, fertility is not a disease!

*I still don’t understand what the difference between NFP and contraception are?

-2 Analogies:

1) A religious, nonreligious, and anti-religious person walk by a church. The religious person goes in and prays. The nonreligious person just goes by. The anti-religious person goes in and desecrates the church. Which actually did something wrong?
2) When deciding who to invite to your wedding, you simply choose not to send an invite to some people. You would never send them a dis-invite. There is a big difference!

-When you use NFP you are simply not going into the church or not sending an invitation. When you use contraception you are desecrating the Church or sending God a dis-invitation.

*Don’t couples using NFP and contraception have the same intention, therefore making both morally wrong?

-The moral end is the same, but the moral means are very different. A couple using NFP chooses to abstain from fertile intercourse, a couple using contraception choose to sterilize fertile intercourse. There’s a big difference once again. If 2 students want good grades and one chooses to study hard and the other chooses to cheat, there are not morally equivalent.

*Where does the Bible say contraception is wrong?

-Of course it doesn’t say specifically “contraception is wrong!”. There’s lots of things the Bible doesn’t say that we infer we shouldn’t do. It says love your neighbor, but doesn’t specifically say not to send him hate e-mails. It’s obvious they go hand in hand. The Bible does say “be fruitful and multiply” (Gn 1:28), and it also says that God slew Onan for “spilling his seed on the ground” (Gn 38:9-10). Scripture after Scripture tells us to receive God’s love, to love as God loves, and to choose life. Contracepted sex is saying you don’t want to do any of those things and that is not Biblical.

*Ok, so what would be just reasons for a couple to use NFP to avoid pregnancy?

-First of all, it’s once again all about the heart. If a couple sees children as a burden and wants to avoid children for selfish reasons, then they would be violating their wedding vows in their heart. Basically, the Church says that avoiding pregnancy should not be done out of selfishness, but out of a desire to be responsible parents. Only the couple can decide in their hearts and through prayer what their intentions are.

*It’s none of the Church’s business what my spouse and I decide in regards to contraception. Why can’t the church just let families decide and not make people feel guilty about using the pill?

-It’s very similar to a parent-teenager situation. Even if your teenage daughter BELIEVES going to a party with alcohol, drugs, and no parents is a good idea doesn’t mean it is. If we are truly part of the Catholic Church, the Church in many ways is our mother. She knows what’s best for us even if, we as adults, think we know better. Everything the Church teaches is out of love for us. Remember, it doesn’t force us to do anything.

*The Catholic Church is obviously out of touch. No other church teaches that contraception is wrong, doesn’t that prove right there that it has no credibility on this topic?

-Actually, quite the opposite. It gains credibility for being the lone voice that hasn’t caved to intense societal pressure. Until 1930, EVERY Christian denomination taught that contraception was wrong. That is the year that the Anglican Church broke from the traditional Christian teaching and said that it was ok. Many, many people of that time predicted the breakdown of society once that happened. People like President Theodore Roosevelt, atheist Sigmund Freud, Mohandas Gandhi, T.S. Eliot (British writer), the Washington Post, and on and on.

 *How does contraception lead to the breakdown of society?

-A deterrent for adulterous and pre-married sex used to be the fear of unwanted pregnancy. If that deterrent was taken away: In a given society, incidents of adultery would increase which is one of the main causes of divorce. Also, incidents of pre-marital sex would be sure to rise. Pre-marital sex is also an indicator of later divorce.
Since no contraception is 100% successful, with a rise of adultery and pre-marital sex comes a rise in “unwanted” pregnancies. With that rise naturally comes a rise in abortions.
Not everyone will abort, which means some will keep their babies and raise them without a father. Fatherless babies are proven in study after study to be more likely to grow up in poverty, in abuse, etc. Then, to top it off, fatherless children are much likely to have out-of-wedlock births and to get divorced. What a nasty cycle that just continues to get worse and worse generation after generation.

 *What about the societal benefits of contraception: the liberation of women, more equality between the sexes, and allowed married couples to enjoy sex without the fear of pregnancy?

-The liberation of women: If women are trying to be liberated from the oppression of men, contraception is certainly no way to do that. Men will tend to just see women as a means to get off once the fear of pregnancy is taken away. Feminists in the nineteenth century pointed to contraception as one of the worst things for the liberation of women. These feminists, along with Pope Paul VI and Ghandi, predicted that contraception would lead to the further degradation of women. Only now are some twentieth century feminists starting to realize they were wrong in encouraging contraception as a way to free women.

-Equality between the sexes: God created man and woman equal, but not the same. Attempting to use technology to falsely make man and woman the same is a sham. Men will appreciate a woman’s dignity when he understands that God made her beautifully unique.

-The joy of sex: the true joy of sex comes from loving as God loves in a free, total, faithful surrender that is open to life

 *Isn’t the Church hypocritical in saying it is against abortion, but also against contraception?

-The problem with that is studies show that the more contraception is used in a country, the more abortions there are. It is a natural connection considering the attitude both procure.

 *What if you’re on the pill for medical reasons? Is that still wrong?

-First of all, there are many alternatives to the pill for most medical issues. The Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction specializes in this. But, if there were no other options than the pill, then a husband and wife should abstain from sex in order to avoid the potential abortifacient effect.

*Since NFP isn’t 100% effective either, isn’t the Church increasing the chance of abortion with it too?

-The difference is in the hearts of the couple. If the couple was using NFP in the wrong way, out of disdain for having kids, then that would be true.

*Many doctors say that natural methods are only 80% effective?

-This may be true if you include the old rhythm method, or just guessing, etc.

-For those properly using NFP, it’s 99% effective

*What’s the difference between the rhythm method and NFP?

-the rhythm method was used by many Catholics in the mid-1900s by using the calender and past cycles as an educated guess on fertility

-this was not very successful, therefore it often gives people who think NFP is the same a bad name

-NFP uses many signs (cervical mucus, temperature, etc.) to determine exact fertile times

*How long do you have to abstain if you are using NFP?

-About  7 to 12 days per month in most cases

*Couldn’t abstaining from sex in marriage actually harm it?

-not if it is done for the right reasons

-this is proven by the 3% or less divorce rate among those couples who practice NFP

*What is acceptable regarding marital intimacy during the time of intimacy?

-this falls under the guidelines of chastity within marriage

*What if one spouse accepts what the Church teaches, but the other insists on contraception?

-You must continue to lead your spouse to the truth about Christ’s love.

-It may mean not having sex, but you must weight that decision very carefully

-The key is to continue loving your spouse!

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

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089 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-
Communication With Travis and Cassidy

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we talked again with our resident engaged couple: Travis and Cassidy.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

088 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Chastity Within Marriage

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the fifth chapter of the book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West, “I D0-ing It”.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*Why do married couples need the virtue of chastity when the wait is over?

-First of all, remember, chastity is not the same as abstinence, so we are called to be chaste within marriage, not just until marriage

-Also remember, “chastity is the virtue that that frees all our sexual thoughts, desires, and behaviors from self-seeking and orders them toward the truth of authentic love”

-Therefore, everyone (including married couples) are called to be chaste because that just means everyone is called to authentic love

*What does chastity within marriage mean, practically speaking?

-Since marital sex is the renewing of the wedding vows, it’s important to remember that a valid marriage is free, total, faithful, and open to children.

*Free: This means that sex is definitely not used as a sort of reward or punishment system by one spouse.  That’s not freely loving your spouse.  It also means that sex is not just used as an uncontrollable outlet for self-gratification.  You must learn to control your sexual desires, not the other way around to truly be free

*Total: You must give completely of yourself to your spouse during sex, which means you must be vulnerable.  Also, it is ideal for both spouses to reach climax at the same time.  A husband who climaxes outside of intercourse is not giving himself to his spouse at all.

*Faithful: Fantasizing about someone else during sex would definitely be a violation of faithfulness in the heart.  You are to be giving all of yourself to your spouse, which is impossible if you are thinking about someone else.  This is why pornography is such a negative thing in a marriage.

*Open to Children: Basically, knowingly using contraception to prevent life is a violation of your wedding vows.

*Are you saying the only time you are supposed to have sex with your spouse is when you are trying to have a baby?

-That is not what the Church teaches (although many mistakenly believe so)

-Procreation is the primary end of sex, but not the only end

-It just means that you are not supposed to intentionally impede conception while having intercourse

-It could also be “using” your spouse if you are just having sex to have a baby.  You should be having sex to re-commit your love for each other

*Does the Church teach that oral sex is wrong even for married couples?

-The Church doesn’t address this directly

-It becomes a problem when it occurs outside of the act of intercourse (in other words, when the end game is male orgasm)

-Just be careful if you are going to use it as foreplay that you don’t cross over the line into lust

-Never should a spouse who is uncomfortable with oral sex be forced to do it: that is complete self-seeking gratification

*What about anal sex?

-Obviously, a husband should never intentionally ejaculate anywhere but in the vagina

-As far as foreplay, technically speaking there should be nothing wrong with it

-But you do have to ask yourself if you are really truly symbolizing the renewal of your wedding vows

*Why does all this sound so mechanical?

-You cannot separate the body from the soul

-A husband and wife, through their bodies, are loving each other as God loves

*Is the missionary position the only acceptable way for Catholics to have sex?

-There certainly is nothing wrong, per se, about other positions

-The key, as always, is to make sure you are promoting love and unity with your spouse during sex

-You should be able to look into each other’s eyes even at the most vulnerable moment!

*What’s wrong with trying to spice up your sex life with a little variety?

-Certainly doing things like candles, music, lingerie, variety in location or position, etc. can add to the experience

-”But truly good sex has nothing ESSENTIAL to do with these things”

-The most fulfilling and best sex is when husband and wife completely surrender themselves to each other

*Why can’t married couples just go with the passion of the moment?

-If couples just follow their disordered passions, they will inevitably end up using each other

-Following the passion of wanting to communicate deep love to each other will be way more powerful than lust once it’s trained into us.  Following that passion is encouraged!

*What if sex makes me feel dirty, even if I intellectually know that it is holy and good?

-Chances are, your impressions about sex from growing up are deeply rooted in your psyche and soul.

-Almost all of us were exposed to all kinds of terrible things growing up in relation to sex (pornography, older kids describing sexual encounters, abuse, etc).

-It’s important to think back about your childhood in order to bring things to the surface and ask God to take them away from us

*Does the Church teach that a wife must “submit” to her husband’s sexual needs?

-No, it does not.  Paul’s directive for wives to submit to their husbands does not mean that they must submit to their husband’s disordered sexual need for their own gratification.

-Husbands: if you are constantly being rejected for sex by your wife, you need to take a look into your own heart and assess whether you are using your wife for gratification or recommitting your love to her.

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

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After discussing the first type of “marriage insurance” last time, it is time to move on to the next piece of advice for giving your marriage the best chance of success.  Don’t have sex.  Not if you’re already married, of course.  However, if you are not married yet, then wait.  I know, it is the same advice you have heard for years, but it is true.

Some studies have shown that a couple who enters a marriage having premarital sex are three times more likely to get divorced.  Wow!  That is nothing to sneeze at.  There are many, many studies showing similar results: have sex before marriage and you run a statistically higher probability of divorcing than if you do not.  In fact, I found a  list of studies.

So, what happens if you’ve already crossed that bridge, so to speak?  Mandy and I always suggest to the engaged couples we work with to stop.  That’s right, stop as of now.  Seek forgiveness and seek chastity.  Your wedding day should be special.  It should be much more than a party to invite all of your friends and family to.  It is the commitment of your total self to your spouse.  What is the point of consummating your marriage vows by physically giving yourself to each other if you have already been doing that (the physical act that is) for months or years leading up to that day?  Make it something special.

To those of you who have taken the courageous road of living a chaste life and are engaged or dating: keep it up!  Unfortunately, there are not that many people who choose this path these days.  Most surveys show it to be about 5% of people getting married are virgins.  It may not be easy, but I like the idea of your marriage being 3 times more likely to not get divorced.

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087 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-What To Do Before You Say I Do

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the fourth chapter of the book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West, “What To Do Before You Say I Do”.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

*It is, first and foremost, important to have a relationship with Jesus Christ.  Without this relationship, we may see the Church’s teachings as just dos and donts and may approach it as “what can I get away with?”

*What does chastity mean?

-it’s not just a “no” to illicit sex, it is a “yes” to the true meaning and reason for sex

-Chastity frees us from using other people for our self-gratification and instead helps us to love others as Christ does

*Why shouldn’t two consenting adults who love each other be able to have sex?

-Of course two consenting, loving adults CAN have sex, but is it what is best for either of them?

-Love is way more than just feelings and sexual attraction. These are a part of love, but it is not the complete form. Love is a CHOICE, not a feeling.

-When two people have sex, they are saying “I am yours freely, totally, faithfully, fruitfully, forever.” If two people are not married, they are then lying to each other with their bodies.

-A couple who has sex before marriage and sees nothing wrong with it doesn’t truly understand the meaning of marriage. Marriage just becomes a piece of paper to make it official.

-It’s really important to look at this as not “premarital sex” versus “postmarital sex”, but “marital sex” versus “nonmarital sex”

-it is impossible for a non-married couple to have marital sex, but it is possible for married couples to have nonmarital sex

*How can I regain this understanding of sex if I’ve already blown it?

-the simple answer is to go to reconciliation and start walking towards the light

*If we’re engaged and know in our hearts we are already committed to each other for life, why shouldn’t we express that commitment through sexual intercourse?

-Remember: sex is the physical expression of the spiritual marriage bond.

-Committed to getting married is different than actually being married in the Church in front of a priest or deacon and 2 witnesses

-Hold out for the real thing! Hold out for the joy of sacramental sex!

*Why does the Church teach that we’re “living in sin” if we move in together?  We are just trying  to see if we’re compatible.

-From a practical standpoint, study after study has shown that the divorce rate is higher among those who cohabit before marriage

-From a sinful standpoint, it’s not so much the living under the same roof that is the problem, it is the public commitment to having sex before marriage

-One study showed that marriage that began with premarital sex are three times more likely to get divorced than those who save sex for marriage

-It’s never too late to start, make the commitment NOW to save sex until after you are married. Turn to Christ and start training yourself now to live the virtues of a sacred marriage.

*How do you know where the line is, is there a line?

-It is a heart thing. We have to battle lust in our hearts. Lust is using another person for your own gratification.

-For example, a married couple who has sex is not crossing the line physically. But, if they are just because it feels good and not to say “I am yours freely, totally, faithfully, and open to children”, then they did cross a line in their hearts.

-The same is true for a dating couple kissing. It is all about what they are “saying” to each other.

*Aren’t there still physical lines that shouldn’t be crossed?

-Physical behaviors that aim to arouse the body in preparation for intercourse are not appropriate for the unmarried

-if either the man or woman is brought to the point of climax, the line has been crossed a long time ago!

-Remember, you should always be aiming to show or give love, not get something

*Isn’t there some kind of difference between dating and engaged couples with regard to chastity?

-It does make sense that there would be some deeper intimacy between an engaged couple versus a couple who are merely “dating”

*Does the Church really teach that masturbation is wrong?  In fact, most psychologists speak of masturbation as a normal, healthy thing.  Many even indicate that it’s unhealthy NOT to masturbate.

-Without the perspective of God’s plan from the beginning, masturbation seems normal.

-But, it turns us completely into ourselves and turns sex into something that is only for our own gratification.

*What’s the big deal with pornography?

-if we remember God’s original plan for sexuality, then we realize just how far from that plan pornography is!

-It makes men see women as a means to gratify their sexual desires, not as someone made in the image of God

-Basically, the biggest problem is LUST and what that does to your heart and prevents you from freely and truly loving your spouse or spouse-to-be

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

One of the most important goals of marriage is to stay together. I would venture to guess that almost every newly married couple envisions celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary someday. There are many things you can do to give yourself the best possible chance. I call these things marriage insurance. They are based on studies, but obviously don’t guarantee a long-lasting marriage. They just give you a much better chance at success (statistically speaking). I am going to discuss each of the “types” of marriage insurance over the next several posts.

Marriage Insurance #1: practice natural family planning.

This is one of the most dramatic examples of marriage insurance.  Mandy and I wish that every couple getting married would be given this information.  Studies have shown that only 3% of marriages practicing Natural Family Planning end in divorce!  That’s right, THREE PERCENT!  Considering the normal divorce rate is close to 50%, this is a dramatic difference.

Unfortunately, very few couples practice Natural Family Planning in their marriages.  I will say that of the few marriages we do know that practice NFP, none of them have gotten divorced.  Of the marriages we know that ended in divorce, none of them practiced NFP.  I realize that is completely anecdotal, but it lines up with the research.

My challenge is for you to learn about Natural Family Planning and start practicing it in your marriage.  I like the idea of 3%, how about you?

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086 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-What Are You Saying I Do To

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the third chapter of the book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West, “What You Are Saying “I Do” To”.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

-What exactly is marriage in the eyes of the church?

*marriage involves two becoming one: sharing all of each other with their spouse and is the most intimate of all human friendships

*it also requires fidelity from both spouses: no one else can enter this union

*the Church doesn’t particularly say that divorce is wrong, but that it is impossible (despite what civil court says) b/c it truly believes marriage is indissoluble.

*marriage is given to us by God, therefore it is not up to humans to change the meaning and purpose of marriage

*it is for human’s own good (“It is not good that the man should be alone” Genesis 2:18) that he/she enter into a covenant of marriage

*the procreation and education of children is one of the most basic purposes of marriage

*marriage is both a contract (conditions both people agree to) and a covenant (sealed by God)

-What makes marriage a sacrament?

*The love of husband and wife is not merely a symbol of the love of Christ and the Church.  For the baptized, it’s a REAL participation in it!

*What makes marriage a sacrament is that it is the original revelation in the world of the eternal mystery of God

-The Church’s teaching against divorce leaves some women in abusive relationships with no escape, right?

*If there is abuse, the Church certainly recognizes the need for separation.  You may even need to get a civil divorce.  But, a valid marriage still does not END, only death can end marriage.

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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A couple of weeks ago there was a terrible fire at a local restaurant. This restaurant was a staple of our city and had been there for decades. Luckily, no one was injured but the building was a complete loss.

Have you ever thought about what you would do if your place of work had a fire? Or what if you showed up for work one day and they fired you out of no where? Or maybe you work for a small business and the owners have the company in a dire financial situation and inform you they are closing the doors effective immediately?

Although you may think none of these things could happen to you, they very well could. No one thinks these things will happen, but they do. The ultimate question you have to ask yourself is “are you ready?” What made me think about writing this particular post was an article I saw in the paper just a couple of days after the fire. It was discussing how the employees of the restaurant didn’t know what they were going to do financially. The article was mostly about applying for unemployment, noting how that process takes awhile. This is exactly why I (and just about any other financial expert) talk over and over again about an emergency fund. If you couldn’t go several months without any income, then you need to get to work on that emergency fund. Make it a priority in your budget, you just never know what can happen!

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085 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-
Roles With Travis and Cassidy

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we talked again with our resident engaged couple: Travis and Cassidy.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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084 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-10th Anniversary Edition

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the second chapter of the book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West, “Who Says”.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

-We discussed what we did for our 10th Wedding Anniversary

-We also discussed the funniest and toughest part of our ten year marriage

-The fact of the matter is that no one likes being told what to do

            *the ironic thing, however, is that you are truly free when you surrender your will to do what is good

*you surrender out of love for doing good, not out of fear or force

-Isn’t it rather arrogant for the Church to think that it speaks for God?

*it depends: we each have a choice on how to respond to that authority

*Either you accept that the Church really does speak the Truth and are thankful and excited for the idea of an authority to speak for God on earth

*Or you think that is completely arrogant and reject the Church as an authority

*The biggest problem today is that many people try to play the middle somehow which isn’t really possible

-What if, as a Catholic, I don’t believe everything the Church teaches, do I have to believe?

            *it is completely normal and encouraged to question.  If you truly seek the truth, the Church is confident you will end up finding the same thing the Church has

*If, you seek to truly understand the truth and still cannot agree with the Church, then it would be hypocritical to stay Catholic

-Shouldn’t the Church stop judging people and imposing their teachings on people?

            *the Church does not impose her teachings.  She simply proposes her teaching the world and each person is FREE to accept or reject them

*it is also important to distinguish between making moral judgements on people’s BEHAVIORS and on a person themselves

-What do old, celibate men know about sex?  Isn’t it ironic that they tell us what to do in regards to sex?

            *remember, first of all, they don’t dictate anything

*second, they are speaking God’s sexual morality, not their own

*third, they offer a very unique perspective not being caught up in their own sexual experiences

The Church is “so obsessed” with sex because it is the fundamental cell of society.  As sexual attitudes and behaviors go, so goes marriage.  As marriage goes, so goes the family.  As the family goes, so goes society.

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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083 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Good News About Sex and Marriage

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the first chapter of the book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

-“While popular opinion holds that a Christian perspective on sex is downright negative, what we actually discover by reflecting on the Scriptures is that sex in God’s plan is more awesome than any human being could possibly dream”
-Pope John Paul II said that you can’t truly understand Christianity without truly understanding your sexuality
-The Bible is a story about marriage from beginning to end
*it begins with the marriage of Adam and Eve and ends with the “wedding of the Lamb”: Christ to the Church
*Basically, everything God wants to tell us (about Him, His plan, ourselves) he wants to tell us through marriage and sexuality

-Marriage as seen in the image of the Trinity
*The love between the Father and the Son was so powerful and profound that it is a third Person-the Holy Spirit
*When husband and wife share their love with each other physically, it is so powerful and profound that, if it’s God plan, may create a person
*Husband and wife stand at the altar at their wedding and vow to each other, with words, fidelity, indissolubility, and openness to children.
*On their wedding night (and throughout their marriage), they then vow to each other with their bodies what they vowed earlier with their words and hearts.

-Marriage as seen in the Sacrament of Christ and the Church
*Christ, of course, is the ultimate revelation of God’s love for us
*Marriage, however, is what helps us to understand Christ’s love more than anything else on earth!
*As Catholics, we believe that we consume Christ into our body and that we conceive new life inside of us-the life of God Himself.

-Adam and Eve
*in the second Creation story, God keeps bringing animals to Adam to name, but Adam knows that he can’t truly love them. He can’t fully give himself to any of these animals as God has given Himself to us
*then, he creates woman from Adam’s own body. Adam sees her and knows she is the one he can love. Remember, they were naked, so he could see how they were literally made to fit together! He understood that they were made to have a special giving of themselves to each other: the special communion we call marriage.
*the problem is that the shame of sex creeps into the picture after the Fall. They noticed they were naked and covered up because they could feel the lustfulness from the other.
*Since then, instead of recognizing and appreciating the differences of man and woman, we have tried to use those differences against each other
-man dominating over women throughout history
-women using their womanly wiles to manipulate
-“men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love”

-So, are we just out of luck? Can we ever really love our spouse like we were originally intended?
*Yes! That is what Jesus Christ came to do: to restore the original love
*He offered his body to us on the cross, we just have to accept. Once we accept, it slowly transforms us so that we can truly love like we were meant to.

-It’s ultimately about faith!
*Satan convinced us at the beginning that God didn’t fully love us, that he was holding something back. God shattered that myth once and for all when he sent His Son to die for us: that was holding nothing back!
*So, if we truly believe that, then we must respond to the challenge that the truth teaches us about how to live in sex and marriage
*God’s original plan set the stage for the norm of sex and marriage

-“When questioned about divorce, Christ pointed his followers back to God’s original plan: ‘For your hardness of heart (i.e sin), Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning (before sin) it was not so’ (Mt 19:8). Because Christ takes away our sin, he is able to restore God’s original plan of love as the norm for marriage and all sexual expression”

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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082 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-NFP and Intimacy With Travis and Cassidy

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we have a discussion with our resident engaged couple Travis and Cassidy.  This session we discuss sex and Natural Family Planning.  If you want to work with Mike and Mandy to make your future or new marriage strong, go HERE!

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

081 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-To Work Or Not To Work

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continue our discussion of the book Rocking The Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks.  We discussed Part VIII: Practical Applications

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

We announced that we are having our 4th baby!  It reminded us of the episode we recorded right after we had our youngest, Leah.

 Chapter 24 Forget-Me-Nots

-Mothers working outside the home is an extremely hot topic

-Scripture never really addresses women working outside the home (it certainly doesn’t forbid it)

-The bottom line question to ask yourself is if you are fulfilling your core role as “husband-lover” and “child-lover”
*there are certainly women who stay home that neglect these responsibilities as well
-Much evidence has shown through study after study that children who are in daycare the first three years of their lives will have deficiencies in their growth (relationally, intellectually, etc.)
*it is vital, especially in the first year, for a child to bond with one single caregiver

Chapter25 Seasons Of Life (Specifically, the seasons of parenting for women)

-Just Married, No Children
*this is a wonderful time for a couple to really get to know each other before children enter the picture
-Preschool Age Children
*this is the truly amazing time in a child’s life from birth to the beginning of formal schooling. This is THE most vital time of development for anyone!
-Grade School Through High School Children
*the child starts forming relationships outside the home (friends, teachers, coaches, etc.)
*this is the preparation period for them leaving the home and making it on their own
-Young Adult Children
*this is a transitional phase from high school to full time work
-The Empty Nest
*kids still need parenting when they are adults and grandkids needs grandparenting
-The bottom line about women working outside the home is the following:
1) God expects you to fulfill your core role, whether you go to work or not
2) providing for your family’s basic financial needs is the husband’s core role, not yours!
3) employment is more appropriate during some seasons of life than others
-Some words of advice:
*save the wife’s income early in the marriage (the just married, no children phase)
*make your major financial decisions (vehicles, home) based on one income
*avoid debt (vehicle, CC, student loan!)
*consider working some from home (either wife or husband or both)
Chapter 26 Gifting Your Child’s Marriage

*every year, more than 1 million children under the age of 18 watch their parents divorce

*many studies have found terrible long term affects on these children

*the problem is there are some terrible “marriages” that stay together and give our children a horrible example of what a marriage should be as well
-I have never understood the argument that is it better for a couple to divorce or stay married and be a terrible example: HELLO, there’s a third option, have a great marriage!!!

-We recorded an episode with John and Diane, an amazing story of a marriage coming back together!
*it is the parents job to teach their children the how-to’s of life. If not, it will lead to anger and resentment

*They especially should be taught how to be a good husband or wife. Teach them about the opposite sex and how to relate to them
-Help them notice and understand the differences between men and women
-Teach them how to meet the needs of men and women (since they are different)
-Teach them the Biblical roles of marriage
-Teach them that they need God to help them
*You can’t just tell them these things, you must teach them with your actions

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

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080 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-How To Fail At Being A Good Husband

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continue our discussion of the book Rocking The Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks.  We discussed Part VII: Problems and Solutions

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

 Chapter 19 Common “Head”-Aches

-Unfortunately many men fail at their role of leadership. The following are the top 5 worst ways for men to distort their role of headship:

Five: Irresponsible Headship
*this is best summed up by the husband who promises the world, but never follows through
*he uses his promises to manipulate his wife and others
*this is the guy who is always after the next get rich quick scheme
*he’s always forgetting things and hopes his wife sees his irresponsible behaviors as cute
*he’s basically a little boy in search of a mommy
-unfortunately, many women marry these men and they do mommy them as they are not sure how to make him step up and be responsible.
-the biggest problem is that she loses respect for him quick and that is a quick road down disaster
Four: Emotionally Detached Headship
*a husband who never shows emotion and is not connected to his family
*he is usually very analytical and methodical and is afraid to show emotions
*this is the guy who lacks any passion when it comes to the things he does (especially with his family)

Three: Dictatorial Headship
*a husband who uses threats and intimidation to bully his family
*his wife better not dare question his authority, he will remind her that the Bible says he is the head of the house
*this is the guy who barks orders and makes everyone else do things for him
*he is generally very sexist and his son(s) better not dare shed a tear in his presence
*he is often very close to abuse and may even resort to it if he gets enraged enough
Two: Workaholic Headship
*this is relatively self-explanatory
*it’s not just about someone who works hard for his family, it’s that his work consumes him
*this is the guy who works 80 hours per week, buys really nice things for his wife and kids and then wonders why his marriage is falling apart
*he thinks that providing nice things for his family is the way to be the head of the household, the rest just doesn’t matter (what else do they want from him!)
One: Spiritually Apathetic Headship
*a husband who does nothing to deepen his faith life
*he may even go to church with his family every week, but that’s as far as it goes
*this is the guy who never discusses anything about God or the Bible with anyone

Chapter 20: Is There Hope For the Headless Family?
-Two steps men can take to be a better servant-leader
*Increase your knowledge-read books so that you can better understand women
*Join or form a small group of men: you can meet weekly and discuss your struggles and pray with/for each other

-If you ultimately need to, go seek professional help. You may need to break deep-seated habits that have developed over years.

-What can a wife do to change her husband?
*nothing, a wife CANNOT change her husband, he has to change himself
*if he is abusive to his wife or children, then the wife must take action and protect herself and her children!

Chapter 21: “Helper” Doesn’t Mean “Enabler”
-Many people know of a wife who enables her husband to cheat on her by ignoring all evidence. She is content living in her blissful ignorance and allow him to continue in his sin because she is afraid of what will happen if she has to face the problem.
*Remember that the Bible never encourage a woman to promote and enable unhealthy and sin

-If you, as a wife, need to seek help, you can always turn to a minister, priest, or doctor who can often point you in the right direction

-Bottom line: don’t use the excuse of “helper” to be an enabler of your husband’s bad behaviors
*I have often seen this enabling occur in finances

Chapter 22: The Church: Can It Be A Refuge For Women?
-Unfortunately, many pastors give terrible advice for wives who seek their counsel when their husband is abusive.

-Churches can be helpful by offering information (sermons, classes, etc.) for families about Biblical teachings of marriage and family

-Men in the church must be held accountable by the leaders and other men in the church. Being afraid of confrontation is not Christian.

-Churches also have to be careful of women who just want justification and approval for leaving their husband. They might not really want help, just approval.

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

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079 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Getting On the Same Page Financially With Travis and Cassidy

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we have a discussion with our resident engaged couple Travis and Cassidy.  This session we discuss marriage and money.  Hear how Travis and Cassidy worked through getting on the same page and what doing a budget has done for them!  If you want to work with Mike and Mandy to make your future or new marriage strong, go HERE!

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

078 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Submission and Praise

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continue our discussion of the book Rocking The Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks.  We discussed Part VI: Responses That Energize The Roles

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Chapter 1 7 The “S” Word

Let’s try to properly understand what submission truly means:

-Biblical Submission is a Christlike Response to Recognized Leadership

*Submission is not used in a negative way in the Bible

*In fact, it is almost always used in a way that references back to Christ

*As a Christian, we are all called to submit to authority: therefore the wife is called to submit to the authority of her husband

*This does NOT mean a wife go along with wrong behavior just in the name of being “submissive”

-Submission is not the woman’s ROLE in marriage

            *Earlier in the book, submission was never mentioned in the discussion of a wife’s role

*Remember, her core role is as helper and lover

*Instead, submission is more of a response to the husband’s role as servant-leader

-The wife’s response of submission helps her husband fulfill his God-given role

            *Unfortunately, many men never enter into a role of servant-leader.

*They are constantly fighting the battle against their buddies and themselves to step up and be a true servant-leader

*Also, if a woman is in competition with her husband as leader and constantly criticizes him, he will naturally withdraw and shirk his responsibility

*He will find somewhere else other than home where he can lead and will at least spiritually and emotionally withdraw from his family

-The best way for a wife to “lead” is by nudging her husband toward leadership

*For example, a wife waiting for her husband to open the door for her

Chapter 18 The Masculine Counterpart to the “S” Word

The masculine counterpart to the “S” word is the “P” word: Praise

Many women feel underappreciated and it, quite frankly, is the husband’s fault in most cases

            *make sure your wife knows that she is the critical difference in the family

*she needs to constantly hear how important she is and how the people she supports appreciate her

Men should show this appreciation EVERY day

            *he must treat her like an equal

*see the questions on pg 149 for husbands about how they treat their wives

*husbands: spend every day making sure that being a wife and mother are viewed as important and respectable

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

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077 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-What Every Wife Needs To Know

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continue our discussion of the book Rocking The Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks.  We discussed Part V: The Wife’s Core Concerns.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Chapter 13 Getting Into A Man’s Head

-Men and women’s brains work differently

                  *Men tend to focus on one thing and shut everything else out

*Women, on the other hand, can have a million things going on at once and pay attention to all of them

-This can be a great asset at dinnertime when dealing with children,  but a negative in the bedroom

*Men also tend to concentrate on the bottom line results of a situation and aren’t worried about the feelings and details going on

*Once a man is focused it can take awhile to switch focus to something else.  A perfect example is when he comes home from work, it may take him a little while to “leave work” and “come home”

Chapter 14 What Every Wife Needs To Know About Her Husband

-Identity

*Men often have a need to push themselves b/c their purpose in life isn’t as obvious as women’s

*The three factors of faith, work, and marriage are the keys of a man finding who he is

-Insecurity

                  *this shows up in the need for most men to constantly be doing something

*a day off is not considered successful if all he does is relax

-Performance

*men have the need to win at everything

*I definitely do this on trips: let’s go, go, go and get there as fast as we can!

So, to summarize, the three words that best describe what a man truly is: “identity, which relates to our deepest need; insecurity, which relates to a problem we’ll spend our entire lives trying to solve; and performance, which relates to our fundamental mindset.”

Chapter 15 What Every Husband Needs To Succeed

Admiration

                  *Even more than love, a husband desires his wife’s respect

* “I am proud of you” means even more to him than “I love you”

Support

*A husband needs to know that his wife is his biggest cheerleader

*A wife must support him in his work

*A husband desperately needs his wife’s support in public.  One of the worst things you can do to a man is embarrass or shame him publicly.

*He also needs her support throughout the different stages of life (20s, 30s, etc.)

Chapter 16 What Else A Husband Needs to Succeed

Companionship

                  *A husband desires to have fun and be friends with his wife

*A husband wants his wife to come with him and participate in his interests

-sports, fishing, etc.

*A man will often feel the need to dream out loud to his wife.  A wise woman is patient with her husband even if he sounds nuts

-he is often just seeking affirmation, so give him some affirmation!

Physical Responsiveness

*Wives: make sure your husbands know that he satisfies you in the bedroom.  Deep down, that is ultimately what he wants to know

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

076 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Help Me Woman!

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continue our discussion of the book Rocking The Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks.  We discussed Part IV: The Wife’s Core Role.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

 Chapter 11 What’s a Woman To Choose?

-Women have been told when they can do it all

                  *many are finding out that is impossible

*so, what is a wife to choose.  With all of the options of life, what should she focus on?

-“When strapped for time, busy women push friends, housework, husbands, and sex to life’s back burner”

-Titus 2 is the core role of a woman.  It defines the term HELPER

Chapter 12 Husband-lover and Child-lover

-The true meaning of husband lover is to be a helper to your husband

                  *the word “helper” is not a negative, it’s not a weakness

*throughout Scripture God is referred to as a helper: not too bad of company

*In the Old Testament, a helper seemed to be someone strong who was there for someone weaker or in need

*A wife is invaluable to her husband and he desperately needs her help to be successful in life

*Unfortunately, that is not what is happening today!

*It’s not just about whether you should work outside the home or not, it’s (according to Scripture) if you are focused on your husband

*Today’s couples are stretched thin, both trying to fight a battle on two fronts: career and home

-Being a child-lover means being present

*it is extremely important that during the first two years of life especially that Mom is at home

*there is a massive difference between a mother who HAS to work outside the home and a mother who CHOOSES to work outside the home instead of mothering

*career opportunities will always be there, your child only learns how to walk once

-“Your core role as a wife, then, is to be a husband-lover and a child-lover.  They need your touch and your support to stabilize and energize their lives.  So, please for their sakes, be there!”

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

075 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-4 Keys To A Happy Wife

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continue our discussion of the book Rocking The Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks.  We discussed Part III: The Husband’s Core Concerns.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Mandy and Mike started the show by getting interrupted over and over again.

 Chapter 9 Feminine Understanding

-1 Peter 3:7 says: “You husbands, likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir to the grace of life”

                  *in other words, learn about and know your wife and then treat her as valuable as fine china!

-Treat your wife differently than your buddies “since she is a woman”

                  *many men treat their wives as if they like the same things as they do

*women are wired differently, so they will have different interests and a different perspective

-It’s very easy for a husband to think he’s doing nice things for his wife and she just doesn’t interpret it that way

                  *often, it’s a love language issue

*you may think that working 65 hours is doing everything you can for your wife, but she just wants you to be around.  The working is for you, not her!

Chapter 10: What Every Wife Needs To Succeed  

The following four terms are the keys to your wife’s happiness in marriage:

-Companionship

                  *women desire to relate to their husbands in a deep, intimate, never-ending way

*Being is more important the doing

*Many men see the wedding as accomplishing a goal (we did it, now let’s move on!), where women see it as just a step in the never-ending process of deep companionship

*The best compliment you can give your wife is to just BE with her.  Enjoy spending time with her and just listening to her

-Security

                  *Biblically, making sure the family is financially secure is the husband’s role/job

*1 Timothy 5:8 “If anyone does not provide for his own, for those of his own household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever”.

*Men, make it your goal that your wife should never HAVE to work.  She may CHOOSE to, but she should never HAVE to!

-Significance

                  *You must praise your wife since most of what she does is “behind the scenes”

*She will never get paid financially for most of what she does, although it’s invaluable

*Many women are entering the workforce now not just because of money, but because they get a sense of significance that their husbands are failing to give them with their work at home

-Emotional Responsiveness

                  *Author John Gray writes “When a man does not object to or argue with a woman’s feelings, but instead accepts and confirms their validity, and listens with empathy as she explores those feelings, a women will feel truly loved”

*Men feel the need to “fix” her problems, instead you need to just listen!

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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074 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Husbands Should Be the Head of the Household

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continue our discussion of the book Rocking The Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks.  We discussed Part II: The Husband’s Core Role.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Mandy and Mike discussed their amazing weekend leading 14 engaged couples on retreat.

Chapter 6: The High Calling of Headship

-Today, society is set up that you either have to be for a husband’s role of headship or for women’ equality.  The implication is that you can only have one or the other which is just not true

-Ephesians 5 is extremely blunt about what husband as head of the house means:

*pg 54-55

*It’s not really that hard to understand.  It may be hard to swallow or to practice, but not hard to understand

*this teaching of Paul’s went completely against the society at the time.  Adultery and divorce were running rampant in Rome and women and men had no distinct roles and didn’t want to even discuss it

-The word “head” meant something back then quite different than it means now

                  *now it conjures up thoughts of “authoritarian”, “boss”, “ruler”, “superior”, etc.

*back then, it would have meant “life-giving”, “protector”, “provider”, “lover”, “responsible for”, “developer of”

-just read the passage and see if you can see that same tone in the words

*Either which way, it still means “LEADER” and did back then as well

*the husband must embrace the fact that being a leader of his family is a calling to empower another human being.  That is a HUGE responsibility!

-Headship under the curse

                  *in Genesis 3:16, it says that “husbands shall rule over you”

*keep in mind, this is after the fall of humans and this is God saying that from now on (because of Adam and Eve’s actions), men are going to rule over women in a domineering way.  Just like he said that women would have pain in childbirth.  Neither might not be fair, but it is a consequence.

-Headship under Christ is different though

                  *Jesus was the perfect example of a servant-leader.  That was a radical, new, different way to be a leader than people were used to

*So, when Paul called husbands to be leaders, or the head, of the house, he was calling us to lead just as Jesus did “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve”

Chapter 7: Lording Leader or Serving Leader?

-“Servant-Leader” is a title that every husband should be continually striving for

-Decision-making

                  *The lording leader just declares what is going to happen, barks out orders, and there is not discussion.  “We are going to the beach for vacation this year and that’s that”

*The servant leader gets input from his family.  He first takes the concerns and needs of everyone into account, THEN makes a decision

-Understanding a wife’s needs

                  *A lording leader doesn’t understand women at all or have any desire to figure it out.  He treats her mostly by using typical stereotypes about women and the things that make her feminine annoy him

*The servant leader accepts that his wife is different than him and appreciates those differences.  He reads and studies to get to know more about her and women in general.

-Conflict

                  *The lording leader has to win every argument.  Every discussion is win-lose and he better be the one who wins

*The servant leader seeks the truth first, not interested in who “wins”

-Strengths and Weaknesses

                  *The lording leader loves to point out and make fun of his wife’s faults.  He says he is just teasing but she has long ago not found it funny

*The servant leader pumps up his wife using words of affirmation.

-Power

                  *The lording leader believes he is being a man by throwing his weight around with his wife to manipulate her.  He sometimes even uses his physical strength to get his point across

*The servant leader works to empower his wife and would never use physical threats to dominate his wife

-Household Chores

                  *The lording leader doesn’t do anything around the house and expects his wife and kids to practically wait on him.  If he ever does do anything, he makes sure to make a big deal so everyone gives him credit.

*The servant leader actively manages his home.  He sets the tone with fun, smiles, and a willingness to help each other out.

-Being a servant leader in your house is not always easy.  It’s a continual process of dying to yourself

                  *it may mean you get up in the middle of the night with the baby even though you have to work in the morning b/c you’re wife has hit a brick wall.  It’s not easy, but it’s well worth it!

Chapter 8: Twenty five ways to be a servant leader

Mike and Mandy discussed how Mike stacks up against the following servant leader traits:

1)      Includes his wife in envisioning the future

2)      Accepts spiritual responsibility for his family

3)      Is willing to say “I’m sorry” and “forgive me” to his family

4)      Discusses household responsibilities with his wife and makes sure they are fairly distributed

5)      Seeks the consultation of his wife on all financial decisions

6)      Follows through on commitments he makes to his wife

7)      Anticipates the different stages his marriage will pass through

8)      Anticipates the stages his children will pass through

9)      Frequently tells his wife what he likes about her

10)  Provides financially for his family’s basic living expenses

11)  Deals with distractions (like the tv or computer) to talk with his family

12)  Prays with his wife on a regular basis

13)  Initiates meaningful family traditions

14)  Initiates fun outings for the family on a monthly basis (or maybe more often)

15)  Takes the time to give his children practical instruction about life

16)  Goes over the upcoming week with his wife to clarify their schedule and anticipate any pressure points

17)  Keeps his family out of debt

18)  Makes sure he and his wife have a will and a plan to what will happen with the children if they should die (this also includes having life insurance)

19)  Lets his children into the interior of his life

20)  Praises his wife often in public

21)  Explains sex to his children in a way that gives him or her a wholesome perspective

22)  Encourages his wife to grow as an individual

23)  Takes the lead in establishing with his wife clear and well-reasoned convictions/rules in the household

24)  Joins a small group of men who are dedicated to improving their skills as husbands and fathers

25)  Provides time for his wife to pursue personal interests.

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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073 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Equal Does Not Mean the Same

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we begin our discussion of the book Rocking The Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

Chapter 2: The Myth of the Roleless Marriage

-The days of the “traditional” marriage are over

*an intact family, with only one person working, are by far the minority

*most couples are striving for an “equal” marriage where everyone contributes exactly the same in exactly the same way (both earn the equal amount of money, share the chores exactly 50/50, etc.)

-Have women really gained ground?

*study after study shows that women still do a majority of the household chores

*so, they are taking care of the house AND helping to pay for it!

*interestingly, “traditional” men were more likely to pitch in and help around the house versus those men who encourage their wives to work outside the home

-The roleless marriage is an ideal that is impossible to achieve

                  *if the roleless marriage is such an improvement over the traditional one, why are so few couples having success with it?

*it can’t work because it’s a fundamentally flawed concept, no matter how appealing it may sound in theory

Chapter 3: Why the Roleless Marriage Won’t Work (3 Reasons)

-1) A marriage of equality makes little sense organizationally

                  *a marriage is an organization of two people

*like all other organizations, it doesn’t make sense to have an organization with no one in charge and everyone doing the same jobs

-2) History and culture offer little hope for roleless relationships

                  *historian after historian, sociologist after sociologist have studies cultures and found that women are always subordinate to men.

*each gender has always had distinct roles: men being in charge of society as a whole (the larger group) and women being in charge domestically

-3) The roleless marriage contradicts the plain teaching of the Bible

                  *the Bible is very clear about how marriage should be organized.  It uses words such as head, protect, and provide to describe husbands and helper, lover, and submission to describe wives

*the Bible also is very clear about the distinction between males and females, there is no unisex

* just because a husband and wife are equal, does not mean that they are the SAME

*the underlying concept of the roleless marriage is a good one: to have fairness, justice, and respect in marriages.  The roleless marriage is just not the way to achieve those ideals

Chapter 4: The Traditional Marriage

-the “traditional” family is not the same as the Bibilical family

-The family of the 50s and 60s had 3 major flaws:

                  *1) the absentee father: it was seen as ok, in fact encouraged, for fathers to spend very little time at home and instead pursue career goals

-even when he was home, the father often kept to himself and wasn’t emotionally available to his wife or kids

*2) devalued women: women were never evaluated as individual women, it was only in reference to her husbands and/or kids.  Women were basically viewed as “second-class” which is NOT what Scripture says “for the value of a virtuous wife is far above rubies…”

*3) mutual tolerance: it was common for couples to settle for a terrible, unintimate marriage just for the sake of marriage.  In other words, the only two options were divorce (which wasn’t really an option) or a miserable life tied to the ball and chain

*the problem is that 40 years later, there has not been a good marriage structure to replace the flawed “traditional” marriage

                  *in fact, the experiments that have gone on with marriage since the late 60s are a tragedy.  Just ask the abundance of kids who grew up as a product of these disasters who aren’t sure exactly what they should be doing in their marriages.

Chapter 5: Searching for the Biblical Ideal

-The word “roles” often has a negative connotation “KNOW YOUR ROLE!” 

                  *roles, Biblically speaking, are not about someone’s rank, but instead about their responsibility.  That is a huge distinction that must be kept in mind

-God created man and woman to have complementary functions

-“A Biblical marriage is a perfect blend of structure and equality, offering balance and beauty”

-The husbands role in a biblical marriage:

                  *it’s all about leadership.  But what kind of leadership?  Jesus is clear that being a great leader means being a servant-leader

*This leadership is all about responsibility, not privilege; service, not being served; support, not superiority

-The wife’s role in a biblical marriage:

                  *it’s all about helping and loving.  A wife and mother can support and nurture her family like no one else can

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

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Mandy and I began reading the book Rocking the Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks.  It is a great book about how important roles are in marriage.  After all, if neither spouse knows what they are supposed to be doing, it is going to be chaos.  Unfortunately, many marriages today face that chaos.

The first section of the book discussed how we got to this chaos.  This got me thinking about our need to see things as one extreme or the other.  For example, we often believe (mistakenly) that the only types of marriage are the traditional model of the 1950s (think “Leave It To Beaver”) or the current roleless marriage where husband and wife are exactly the same.

First of all, men and women are NOT the same(there, I feel better)!  We are certainly equal, but equality does not mean that we are exactly alike.  I think of Mandy’s contributions to our family and our marriage.  They are truly invaluable.  Are they the same as mine?  No.  I would like to think that she sees my contributions to our family and marriage as invaluable as well.  One of us is not above the other, but we don’t even come close to approaching are marriage in the same way.

It really is sad to me that many have come to a place where defining roles in marriage has a negative connotation.  I understand why.  For years, husbands have not truly led their families.  Sure, they may have controlled, but that is not true leadership.  On the flipside, women (especially in recent years) have often made men feel like they were an unnecessary part of the equation of a successful family life.

My hope and prayer is that Christian families begin discovering what a true biblical marriage looks like.  It’s probably not what you think.  As we continue to read through this book, I look forward to sharing with you my thoughts about how we can all become better spouses within our roles as husbands and wives.

072 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Travis and Cassidy Getting To Know Each Other

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we check back in with Travis and Cassidy.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

-We checked back in with our resident engaged couple: Travis and Cassidy.

-They went through the first session of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course: Getting to Know Each Other.

-They explained what they learned from their discussions that will help them when they are married.

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

A very hot topic in the marriage and money world is how many accounts you should have.  Should you have one joint checking account or separate accounts?  What about savings accounts?

I will explain to you what Mandy and I do.  We have one joint checking account.  All of our income goes into this account and all of our bills are paid from this account.  It makes things extremely simple and easy.  We each get our own “spending” money in cash each week that we can spend however we want.  It is rather minimal, but it gives us some freedom and autonomy.

We also have one savings account.  All of our savings for non-monthly items go into this savings account.  Once again, this keeps it very simple to know what is going on with our savings.

The only other account we have is a money market account.  This account is our emergency fund.  This account, God willing, does not get much action.  It just sits there in case we ever need it.  Therefore, it is not something that we think about or deal with on any kind of regular basis.

There are many reasons we have set up our accounts this way.  There are two main reasons.  One, I don’t like complication.  That is why I prefer to have as few accounts as possible.  I have found with some of my clients that the reason they cannot get their finances in order is because they try to complicate things.  The second reason is that we don’t believe in “his” and “her” money.  The two of us became one in marriage and that definitely applies to our money.  So there is no reason for “his” and “her” checking accounts.  We have a financial plan and we execute it together.  I truly believe that we are way more effective with our money because we are constantly pulling in the same direction.

I know this topic gets some people worked up.  What are your thoughts?

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071 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-An Amazing Story of Forgiveness With John and Diane

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we talk with John and Diane.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

-John and Diane have an amazing story of betrayal, forgiveness, and reconciliation

-Their marriage fell apart a year and a half ago

-It culminated in John kicking Diane out of the house and moving in another woman

-He finally quit drinking and turned his life around after spending some long winter nights in Michigan

-After a chance meeting at a store, John and Diane began talking again

-They got re-married and, though it’s not always easy, have a better marriage than ever before

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

Can you imagine your spouse of 17 years asking you to move out of the house?  What if you came back to the house a couple of weeks later and there was another woman/man living in YOUR house already?  The hurt, the anger, the desperation: it could become unbearable.

Mandy and I recently interviewed John and Diane for our podcast.  The above scenario is almost exactly what happened in their lives less than 2 years ago.  Alcohol abuse, lies, unfaithfulness, divorce all tore this relationship apart.  As one spouse continued along a self-destructive path, another waited and prayed.  It certainly wasn’t easy.

I don’t want to tell their whole story.  They do that themselves on the show, which will be released in a few days.  It is truly amazing, something you just don’t hear about very often in our culture today.  A couple gets divorced, and then remarries later.  Just like most divorces, it was nasty.  I can’t imagine the hurt and anger Diane felt as her husband kicked her out of her own house and moved another woman in.  Yet, she was able to forgive him and they reconciled.

How was she able to do this?  As she explains in the interview, through her faith in God and by surrounding herself with godly women.  That previous sentence makes it sound so easy, but it most certainly was not.  She struggled, she doubted, she even moved on.  But she never gave up hope that God had a plan.  Now, they are both sharing their story to help other struggling couples.  More specifically, John is telling his story put help other men who struggle with alcohol to get their lives straight.

I highly encourage you to check back in a few days and listen to the show.  If you don’t listen to any other Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcasts, please take the time to listen to this one.  It truly is a remarkable story.

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070 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Become a Couple Saint

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we finished our discussion of Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. We discussed Chapter 13 “Sacred Mission: Marriage Can Develop Our Spiritual Calling”.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

-It can sometimes be conflicting to both be fully committed to our spouse and fully committed to God

                  *It is not a good witness to Christ if everyone around you (spouse, children, etc.) hates your faith life b/c of the time it takes away from them

*Marriage should not take you FROM your mission, but instead should BECOME your mission

-It’s amazing how the love and admiration you have for your spouse can be deepened by witnessing their drive and passion for a common vision

                  *for example, Mandy’s determination to offer things at our church instead of just complaining about other churches “stealing” people from us

*her morning fitness class last summer is a perfect example

-Make sure that you don’t get so focused on your ambition that it kills all the relationships around you

                  *this ambition could be your career

*it could be a particular way a stay-at-home mom wants her house run

*it could be a ministry at church

-“When marriage becomes our primary pursuit, our delight in the relationship will be crippled by fear, possessiveness, and self-centeredness.”

-View marriage as an opportunity to excel at love

-What if all Christian couples strove to be holy couple: a “couple-saint”.

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

Everyone talks about having balance in your life.  It is extremely important and I do my best to strive for that balance.  Have you ever put much thought into having balance in your marriage?  It sounds a little strange, but let me explain.

Too much outward focus

The first, and most often talked about, way to be out of balance in your marriage is to spend too much time doing things outside of your marriage.  You may the type of person who has very high ambition.  I am very much like that.  When I do things, I do them all out.  This can  be a good thing because I tend to get things done and do them reasonably well.

It can become a major problem if I pour too much time into these ambitions.  An example would be youth ministry.  Mandy and I both love working with youth at our church and helping them discover and grow a relationship with God.  When we starting having children, Mandy had to cut that way back.  I didn’t slow down much and, in fact, started doing more.  When our second daughter, Brooke, was born I decided to take a month off from everything outside of work and home.  This was a great idea and I highly recommend it. Husbands, your wife needs you at home during this time and she will be forever grateful!  Anyway, when I started getting back into youth ministry activities, I dropped one or two of the regular activities.  It was a great decision and I have never regretted putting more time and energy into my marriage.

Is there something that you put too much time into?  Many people do this with work.  Working 80 hours per week, week after week, is out of balance.  Maybe it is a hobby.  Playing golf every evening after work and then on Saturdays and Sundays is out of balance.  One of the trickiest is ministry like I mentioned before.  It is very easy to rationalize spending too much time in ministry because you are doing “God’s work”.  I have to constantly remind myself that I have a vocation as a husband and father first, youth ministry second.

Too much inward focus

The other side of the coin is not often talked about.  It,  however, can certainly be just as dangerous.  This side of the coin involves making your marriage the end all, be all of everything in your life.  The dangerous part is that usually means putting your spouse on a pedestal.  They will never be able to live up to your expectation.  They are human, so they will eventually disappoint you.  Once that happens, it can cause the marriage to unravel quickly because your illusion has been shattered.

It can also cause you to become very possessive and jealous.  Do you know someone who is a very jealous person?  It just doesn’t look good on them.  They start acting very paranoid and it drives everyone in their life nuts.  ”He must be cheating on me?”  ”Why did she smile at THAT guy?”  If trust breaks down, even if it is unreasonable, their is serious problems in the marriage.  When you place all of your self-worth and purpose on one human being, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Strive For Balance

Too much of anything can cause a problem.  If you get married, but never act like it (as far as time spent on it goes), you are out of balance.  If you have no mission or purpose in your life other than your marriage, you are out of balance.  The key is to find a mission.  Even better if you can find one together with your spouse.  That way you are still working together, but are focusing on something/someone else.  When you do find that mission (either individually or together), don’t let it run your life.  You still need to find time to just hang out and be a couple.

How do you find (or plan to find) balance in your marriage?

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As I was writing this post, it reminded me of the song American Dream by Casting Crowns.  Enjoy it below: awesome song!

I have written before about different financial personality types.  Chances are, you are either a natural saver or a natural spender.  I readily admit that I am a natural spender.  That is exactly why I have to put practices in place in order to avoid wasting money all the time (such as only taking out a small amount of cash each week to spend on whatever I want).  In most cases your spouse is the opposite of you (if you are a spender, your spouse is most likely a saver).  Where it gets real fun in a marriage is how you view your opposite counterpart.

What a saver looks like

A spender sees a saver in a much different light than the saver sees themselves.  For example, the spender will tend to see the saver as too rigid.  In order for there to be regular savings, the saver usually has a regular plan of savings set up.  The spender feels as if that is way too rigid and no fun.  This often leads to the saver coming off as stingy as well.  The spender will think “we can’t ever have any fun with money because my spouse wants to put away every extra dollar we have”.  The saver is often very reluctant to do anything fun with money and this can cause some conflict.

The saver sees things differently.  They often think “someone has to be organized in this marriage.”  What the spender calls rigid, the saver calls organized.  What the spender calls stingy, the saver calls disciplined.  The saver knows that in order to enjoy money later in life, you have to be methodical in your savings.  The spender thinks that is just plain boring.

What a spender looks like

The saver looks at a spender and thinks reckless.  They begin to think “we would be living in a shack somewhere if it wasn’t for me controlling my spouse’s spending habits.”  Flashes of the song “Material Girl” by Madonna will go through the saver’s mind when thinking about the spender.  They will begin to wonder if all the spender cares about is stuff.

Once again, the spender sees things differently.  They often think “someone has to have some fun in this marriage.”  What the saver calls reckless, the spender calls spontaneous.  What the saver calls materialistic, the spender thinks of having fun.  A spender will also see themselves as a giver.  It is a little easier for a spender to release their money.  That means giving gifts to friends and family and charitable giving as well.

The key to all of this is that you have to be careful.  Don’t let yourself get caught up in the idea that your spouse is the enemy.  Look at, instead, as complementary.  If your spouse didn’t save money, you would be eating dog food in retirement.  Be appreciative of that.  If your spouse didn’t spend money, you would be the most boring couple on the face of the planet.  Be appreciative of that.  You keep each other in check and that is a positive thing.  When you find yourself getting annoyed with your opposite spouse, stop and thank God for giving you someone to balance you out.

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069 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-God’s Presence In Your Marriage

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continued our discussion of Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. We discussed Chapter 12 “Sacred Presence: How Marriage Can Make Us More Aware of God’s Presence”.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

-We, as Christians, are called to constantly seek God’s presence. 

*we can do this best by speaking to him throughout the day

*this can be very difficult to do in the day to day hustle of family life

-Even if you didn’t enter marriage for the reason of drawing closer to God, you can still choose to maintain your marriage for that exact reason

*it can be hard to find ways to make Jesus the center of your marriage

-The words we use with our spouse our important

            *think about this: each time you speak can either push you away from God or draw you closer to Him: think about that next time you speak to your spouse (or anyone for that matter)

*giving the “silent treatment” is also a form of not using our words to draw us closer to God

*we must learn to be better listeners: both of our spouse and of God

-“Christianity does not direct us to focus on FINDING the right person, it calls us to BECOME the right person”

            *it’s easy for us to get caught up in our spouse completing us: it won’t and can’t happen.  Only God can complete us

*the sad part is that many in our culture believe that there is “the one” out there that will complete them and go from marriage to marriage

*how good your marriage is, is often a thermometer of how your relationship with God is (i.e. if your relationship with God is good, chances are your marriage is good and vice versa)

*husband and wife should be striving together to make each other more holy

-you must be careful though not to just sit around and judge your spouse

-We must be purposeful and intentional in our marriages. 

            *if you truly work hard to have the best marriage possible, it is amazing how you will naturally enter into God’s presence

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

or call 847-780-6632

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

It really is amazing how much your marriage can change just by looking at it from the proper perspective.  Many people go in search of finding the right person.  It is really sad when someone goes from marriage to marriage always in search of that perfect person that will finally complete them.

Here’s the deal: no one on this earth can ever complete you.  That may sound crazy to you, but it is true.  It reminds me of high school. Lots of my friends spent most of their free time with a boyfriend or girlfriend.  It was like nothing else mattered.  Looking back, I truly believe that most of them thought that their significant other would complete them in some way.

It may seem easy to look back and realize that it is absurd to think a high school boyfriend or girlfriend will complete you.  Many people have the same attitude about marriage.  We go in thinking that all of our happiness and dreams will be fulfilled because we found “the one”.  This can be extremely dangerous because you are setting yourself up for a major letdown.

The urge we feel to seek out the person who can complete us is real.   The only problem is we have a tendency to look in the wrong place.  God is the only one who can truly complete us.  That is why it is important to have God as the center of your life, not your spouse.  That may be different than what you are used to hearing, but I believe it is an important concept to grasp in order to make your marriage stronger.

068 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Sex and New Words

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continued our discussion of Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. We discussed Chapter 11 “Sexual Saints: Marital Sexuality Can Provide Spiritual Insights and Character Development”.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show:

www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

-Christian spirituality serves in 3 ways in regards to sex:

            * “it teaches us the goodness of sex while reminding us that there are things that are more important than sex”

* “It allows us to experience pleasure without making pleasure the idol of our existence”

* “It teaches us that sex can certainly season our lives but also reminds us that sex will never fully nourish our souls”

*only within marriage does sex become spiritually meaningful and helpful

*God created our bodies, and it certainly feels good when we have sex with our spouse

*in fact, the only function of the clitoris is for pleasure.  Keep in mind, God created the human body so he obviously wanted it to be an enjoyable experience.

*we often view sex as some sort of bad or evil thing because of past experiences: situations where sexuality was abused

*interestingly, obsession about sex and feeling obsessively guilty about sex are both self-focused instead of God-focused

-it is sort of an insult to God to be unwilling to enjoy sex when he made it to be that way

-View your spouse as more than just a lover

            *keep in mind that another important relationship you share is brother/sister in Christ

*we must not reduce sex to JUST a physical experience, it is so much more!

*sex is a combination of both a physical and a spiritual experience, it should not be reduced to just one or the other

-God’s view of marital beauty

*men are called to delight in the beauty of their wife, not women in general

*we need to train ourselves to change our paradigm of beauty to be whatever our spouse is, not what society as a whole says beauty is

*if you focus on your spouse’s inner beauty versus just their outer beauty

-We can learn an important spiritual truth as our bodies age and we continually go to our spouse with our imperfect bodies: give what you have.

-The sex drive can cause us to act outside of ourselves by being a better spouse in order to not ruin the intimacy

-Don’t fall into the trap that having fun is not Christian.  Unfortunately, this can show up in the bedroom for some.

If you would like for us to talk about something specific for YOU on the show, go here.

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Mandy and I had an interesting experience this past week.  This weekend was Mandy’s birthday and she loves birthdays.  Coming from a family with 8 kids, birthday were extra special in her family.  It was the one day of the year you got to stand out from the crowd, so to speak.

My plan was perfect.  Mandy loves Olive Garden,  but the closest one is almost two hours away.  We rarely go there, so I thought taking her on a road trip to Olive Garden, without the kids, would be awesome!  I arranged for the girls to have a babysitter, and they even offered to keep the girls all night!  What a fun night this was going to be.  Very much like the old days: just Mandy and I on a road trip.  We spent countless hours in the car together when we were younger, B.K. (Before Kids).  I even planned this whole idea of leaving her notes throughout the house on Friday (the day of Olive Garden) that would reveal a little more info each time she read one.  I was going to call every few hours and tell her where she could find the next one.

So, Thursday night, while Mandy was upstairs, I carefully placed the four notes around the house.  We went to bed and all I told her was that I had something special planned for her starting in the morning.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…”What’s that, is that Aly (the six year old) crying?  It’s two in the morning!”  Yep, that was her.  And the poor little girl threw up.  Then she did again a little while later.  ”Well, there went my whole plan for tomorrow I thought”.

In the morning, I gathered all my notes up and dejectedly (I might have just made up a word) put them in my drawer.  I thought maybe I would try the following weekend, but wasn’t sure.  When I talked to my Mom, who was going to be the babysitter, later in the morning, I told her not to worry about the babysitting.  We had to cancel.  But she actually said that maybe she could still watch them if Aly felt better all day Friday.  The cool thing about it was, she did do much better all day.

I had to spill the beans to Mandy and tell her my plan without having her chase notes around the house.  Needless to say, she was pumped.  We had everything planned to leave when I got home a little after 5:00.

Then, the next two road bumps hit.  First, at about 4:30, it started to snow.  No big deal.  Driving in the snow never really bothered me.  Then, I got caught up at work and got home about 3o minutes later than I wanted.  By the time we hit the highway, it had been snowing for over an hour and the roads were pretty nasty.  I have to point out that ten years ago this still would not have been a big deal.  But as we were driving about 45 mph down the interstate, we were discussing if we should turn around or keep going.  We made the wise decision to turn around.  After all, there are three little ones dependent on us still being around.  I wasn’t worried about my driving in the snow (I’ve done it plenty of times), it’s the other people that scare me.

So, we turned around.  We ended up going to Mandy’s favorite restaurant for dinner in town.  We then went to her favorite place for desert (Applebee’s: the “Blondie”).  After that, we went to the mall and just walked around for awhile.  Then, we went home, put the kids to bed, and ended up getting our old Nintendo Game Cube out and played Mario Kart until 2 in the morning.

What is the point of all this?  The point is that we had an amazing time.  Mandy’s love language is quality time and we had plenty of that.  Neither one of us let the fact that our original plans (which we thought were pretty awesome I must say) got ruined.  We just went with the flow and enjoyed being with each other.  It will be a night we won’t soon forget.  Here is my challenge to you.  How do you do when your plans get ruined?  Do you let it ruin your night?  Does it end up causing you to argue and pout, defeating the whole purpose of what the night was supposed to be?  I can assure you a few years ago, I think Mandy and I would not have handled the situation near as well.  I guess it’s a sign we’re getting old, I mean, growing up!

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I thought about just making this a four word post: “you need a will!”  That pretty much explains it.  But, I thought maybe I should take a few more words to try and convince you why.

The main reason is that YOU get to decide who gets your assets instead of the state.  To me, that sounds like a good plan.  Even if you think you don’t have enough stuff or money to worry about, it still is very important.  Having our first daughter, Aly, was enough to motivate us to get our wills done.   Let me use the example of what we have set up to help guide you in what you need to do.

First, you must name an executor of the will.  This is the person in charge of making sure everything in the will gets carried out as stated.  Many people name a family member the executor, but I don’t recommend doing this.  I saw my Dad act as executor when my Grandpa died, and it was like a full time job.  Not only that, the executor is often blamed for things in the will (that they had nothing to  do with setting up, mind you) that family members or friends are unhappy with.  It can cause hurt feelings and even a rift in the family.  Name someone outside of the family (like a financial planner or estate attorney) as executor to help avoid the drama.  Mandy and I named our financial planner, knowing that he will be able to take a fee (as provided by law) for carrying out the executor duties.

Of course, we set up our wills to have everything we own go to each other if something were to happen to one of us.  If something were to happen to both of us, then it goes into a trust for our children.  It is extremely important to set up that trust carefully.  If you have the proper life insurance set up, and have done a good job getting out of debt, there should be a substantial amount of money heading the kiddos way.  You want this to be a blessing, not a curse.

You must designate in your will when your children will have access to the money.  We set it up to be age 25.  We figured that was old enough for it to bless them, but not be a burden.  I know what I was like at age 18 and if all of a sudden had access to $500,000, it would not have been good.  Just imagine what you would have spent that money on when you were that age and you will quickly understand why it is a good idea to designate a later age for your children to get their hands on the money.  I have heard some horror stories from some of my financial planner friends who have seen young lives be ruined over this.   You can even spread it out to where they get access to half at age 25, then half at age 35, etc.  It doesn’t have to be those ages, that is just an example.

If, God forbid, something does happen to you and the money is to put into the trust, you have to designate who is going to be in charge of that trust until the kids are eligible to receive the funds themselves.  Again, a very important decision.  We chose Mandy’s brother who is extremely tight with money and has a very similar financial philosophy than us.  We discuss those philosophies often and so he knows very well our thoughts about what we would do with that money.

The important decision you need to make is who will be the guardian of the kiddos.  This is something that should be thought through very carefully and discussed at length.  Some may automatically think of their parents (the grandparents), but you do need to think about age.  What will their age be when your youngest is turning 18 and it is it fair to expect them to meet the demands of parenting teens when they are (I’ll try to put this as nice as possible) getting up there in age.  As with the trustee, try to choose someone who has a similar parenting philosophy as you and will make the transition as smooth as is possible given the circumstances.

One final point: make sure to notify the people you name to  be trustee and guardian.  In fact, you should actually discuss it with them BEFORE you officially name them in your will.  It is a huge responsibility to place on someone to be in charge of your money and, especially, to raise your kids.  Hopefully, they will be honored, but you just never know. Don’t take it personally if they decline.  Instead, you should see it as a mature response if they truly don’t feel they can handle it.

By the way, I am certainly not a lawyer, so none of this is intended as legal advice.  It is just what Mandy and I did and an attempt to convince you that these are extremely important decisions that YOU want to make, not a judge somewhere.  My hope and prayer is that you are convinced.

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