119 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-What To Do When Your Spouse Is Selfish Part 2

by mike on June 19, 2013

119 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-What To Do When Your Spouse Is Selfish Part 2

Click Play Below

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continue discussing chapter 15 “Resolving Conflict With A Boundary-Resistant Spouse” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

2 Ways to contact us and get your question answered on the show: www.mikeyoungcoach.com/feedback

Call us at: 847-780-6632

 Make Soul Connections

*You must have deep relationships with other people in addition to your spouse

*It could be God, same-sex friends, siblings, etc.

*The point is that if your entire heart is wrapped up in your spouse, you will give up easily when they resist your boundaries

Grow and Own

*As you begin to set boundaries in your marriage, you will often learn lots of things about yourself

*Own these things and begin to grow personally

Identify the specific issue

*What boundary of yours is being violated (is your boundary of being on time being violated when your spouse is always late)

*How does this violation affect you and your love of your spouse

*Is the problem a pattern or an occasional event?

*Establish why it is important enough to risk conflict over it

Validate Your Spouse

*People will not be open to change if you completely dismiss and negate their feelings or perspective on an issue

*It’s helpful to say things like “You’re right, I do tend to blow up easy when things get intense” or whatever

Love Your Spouse

*Establish with your spouse that you are not setting the boundaries to control them, but  so that you solve a problem which will lead to a deeper love

Create a Level Playing Field

*Figure out what you are contributing to the problem and go about improving yourself

*You must take steps to improve yourself regardless of whether your spouse does or not

Request Change

*Be very clear about your request for change: “I want you to cook half of the meals since we’re both working now”

Give Your Spouse Time and Patience

*Especially if you have never set boundaries before, you need to just lay back and observe your spouse to see how they react to all of this before you proceed with anything else

Establish Appropriate Consequences

*Make sure they are:

-designed to help with reality and protect you, not designed to control or change your spouse

-deliberate, and not impulsive or set in anger

-as reality-based as possible

-appropriately severe


-preservative of your spouse’s freedom

-as immediate as possible

-respectful of his role as spouse

-designed to be modified as your spouse changes

-See the table of appropriate consequences on pg. 227

*First, warn your spouse

*Second, you must follow through when the boundary is violated

*Observe and evaluate over time

Deal With Escalation and Anger

*Chances are your spouse is going to be very angry with you

*They may also increase their “bad” behavior just to see if you’re serious

*You have to stay firm, and look for other people to support you during this time

Normalize Doubt

*Realize that you are most likely going to doubt if you are doing the right thing


Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

Right-Click Here to Download the Show

Leave a review in itunes

Previous post:

Next post: