114 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Protecting Your Marriage From Intruders

by mike on April 16, 2013

114 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Protecting Your Marriage From Intruders

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 12      “Three’s A Crowd” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

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There are many “intruders” that can weaken the marital bond:

*Work, kids, hobbies, tv, in-laws, church, internet/phones, finances, friends, addictions, affairs, etc.

*You must intentionally protect your marriage and invest time into it.  If you just let life happen to your marriage, chances are it will not be as strong

Be careful about triangulation in your marriage

*A wife talks to her best friend about her unhappiness with her husband, but doesn’t let HIM know her feelings

*A spouse makes their child a confidant, becoming closer to the child that to their spouse

*A husband is more invested in his parents (especially his mom) than in his wife

*Don’t be that third person in the middle of a marriage.  If a friend comes to you, ALWAYS encourage them to go to their spouse!

Learn to say “NO”

*Protecting your marriage means sometimes saying no to others

*Other people, other opportunities, other activities

*One of the most important sentences you can utter is “Let me check with my wife/husband first”

This does not mean that all outside relationships are bad

*Your spouse cannot be the end-all be-all of everything you need.

*But be careful, the people you go to for help outside your marriage should be FOR your marriage.  They should build that relationship up, not get between it.

Intruders are often the symptom of a deeper problem

*Business in schedule may be a symptom of wanting to avoid our spouse for example

*Date nights and getaways won’t generally solve any problems

*They are important, but will not work if you continue to ignore the real problem that is weakening your marriage

You must know your limits

*Often, spouses intend to invest time and energy into their marriage, but are so busy they just never get to it

*These spouses often just don’t realize the consequences of their over-commitments as other people (often spouses) are always there babysitting them and picking up the pieces

Be careful about taking your marriage for granted

*You are either growing toward each other or growing apart in your marriage: you are rarely staying steady

*A lack of crisis does not necessarily mean things are healthy

In order to have a strong marriage, you have to be able to set boundaries with others

*If you “belong” to everyone else because you can’t say no, then by default you don’t belong to your spouse

*Someone who finds themselves in the situation of not being able to say no to others often feels torn. He feels guilty if he ever says no, but he also feels terrible about no not spending time with his wife

*This person needs to just start being honest and truthful with those around him about his limitations.  Slowly start weeding out the intruders and they will start to feel a little more brave about setting the boundaries

*The other spouse needs to be loving without rescuing and truthful without nagging  (this is much, much harder than it sounds due to human nature to be a victim and whine)

Being different should not be a problem in a marriage

*St Paul says in Scripture that a body needs an eye and an ear, etc.

*The problem comes when you constantly go outside of the marriage because of your differences

*Make conflict your ally, not your enemy

The Intruders:


*There may be other things going on with the workaholic such as attachment problems, demands for praise, lack of safety, or lack of freedom


*The other things at work here may be superficiality (not wanting to get too intimate with people), a past hurt in the marriage, rejection of the spouse, or sharing secrets with friends


*Some underlying issues with kids as intruders are hiding intimacy conflicts behind children, overidentifying with children, having better boundaries with the kids than the spouse, misperceptions about parenting and marriage


*This is often a terrible, terrible symptom of these possible other problems: emptiness in the marriage, demands to be treated as perfect, victim-perpetrator-rescuer issues, boundary problems


Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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