109 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-How Do Two Become One

by mike on February 19, 2013

109 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-How Do Two Become One

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 4, “It Takes Two to Make One” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

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Oneness is an important part of marriage, but before there is one, there must be two.

*If one or both spouses come into a marriage expecting the other to complete them, the marriage is going to break down

*A strong marriage require two MATURE individuals.

Complementing and completing each other are two different concepts.

*It’s one thing to say “I’m good at the finances” and “She’s good at cooking”, but it’s another to say “She could never figure out how to do the finances” or “I would die of starvation without her”.

*Once she becomes “Mommy” or he becomes “Sugar Daddy”, it makes it very hard to achieve oneness (intimacy).

*Completing someone means “making up for their immaturity as a person”.  That never works.

True adults aren’t codependent and require their spouses to take responsibility for themselves.

You are not the same person and need to appreciate and value your spouse’s differences

*A spouse needs to be able to view their spouse as an individual person, whose sole purpose is NOT to meet every one of your needs.

*Empathy for your spouse is the foundation for intimacy: put yourself in your spouse’s shoes for a moment

-If your spouse, for example, shares something they are feeling and all you do is make it about an accusation against you, then you are not experiencing with her, you are just being self-centered

*Your spouse will have different thoughts, moods, likes and dislikes than you and it’s vital that you learn to appreciate those differences in your spouse

It’s important to value your spouse’s freedom

*Each spouse should be free to pursue their own interests without feeling guilty (this has to be within reason of course)

*For example, I enjoy playing volleyball and should be allowed to pursue that

*I should not, however, insist on playing volleyball three times per week year round and travel on weekends for tournaments.  That’s ridiculous!

*Guys have to be very careful about overdoing golfing, hunting or fishing

*Ladies have to be very careful not to over-commit themselves to social and church activities

*If you are constantly controlling your spouse, they will eventually rebel against that

-Rebelling against control is the motivation behind many affairs and other marital problems: it’s extremely serious!

“Separateness and togetherness go hand in hand.  If you have too much separateness, you have no relationship because you become too disconnected.  But if you have no separateness, you also have no relationship because there are no longer two people involved.”

 

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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