108 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Become More Lovable

by mike on February 5, 2013

108 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Become More Lovable

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 3, “Setting Boundaries With Yourself: Becoming More Lovable” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

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The first boundaries we have to place in marriage are on ourselves

*Many people see “marriage” problems as “spouse” problems, which is rather oversimplified

*No matter what the issue is in your marriage, you need to take the initiative to solve it

*Bottom line: stop blaming others and take responsibility for your actions, thoughts, feelings, etc.

*2 Corinthians 5:10 “For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad”.  We won’t be able to hide behind or blame someone else, it’s just you and God!

There is the phenomenon of “The Good Spouse” that can be dangerous

*In many marriages, one spouse is clearly the “bad” one: irresponsible, angry, etc.

*The suffering spouse often likes it when other people talk about how bad the other spouse is and it keeps the attention off of their own sins

*The good spouse often feels helpless in the relationship as well: they keep trying to be nicer and more loving and it generally doesn’t work instead of being truthful and honest

*Another problem is we may start to take a holier than though position (as if we are better than our spouse) which is extremely dangerous, both relationally and spiritually

Don’t forget you are husband and wife, not Mommy and son or Daddy and daughter

There are several character issues in our own lives that we can set boundaries on:

Playing God

*Often, we want to play God with our lives instead of following God

*It’s important for us to immerse ourselves in God through prayer, Scripture, church attendance, etc.

Denial

*You must admit who you truly are: don’t try to pretend with your spouse

*If you are insecure about something, admit it to your spouse instead of trying to overcompensate for it

Withdrawal from relationship

*When you fail to make deep connections to others, that is a serious problem: especially in a marriage

*Enlist the help of your spouse to let you know when you are withdrawing

*Try to understand what causes you to withdraw: fear of rejection, being controlled, or being judged

Irresponsibility

*Ask others that you trust to call you out when you are flaky

*Accept the consequences for your actions: ask the people in your life to not enable you (if you are late meeting friends, tell them to go ahead and leave for the party)

Self-Centerdness

*Learn to let go of the demand to be perfect or special

*Marriage by definition is selfless (this kind of goes along with choosing wisely)

Judgmentalism

*”When you live with a judge, you are always on trial”

*Ask for feedback on how your attitude hurts those you love

*Learn to receive compassion and forgiveness from God as judgmental people are often tough on themselves

*Work on your compassion for the faults of others

The biggest thing you need to put a boundary on is your attempt to control your spouse

*You must not have the attitude “I’ll love you as long as you…”

There are many ways couples attempt to control each other:

Guilt: The old-fashioned guilt trip is a classic way to control your spouse (“if you loved me, you would…”)

Anger: Temper tantrums, sarcastic remarks, even abuse can be used to control

Persistent assaults on the spouse’s boundaries: Begging, pleading, arguing, and controlling your spouse until they finally give into your want

Withholding Love: This may be the most powerful and egregious form of control over our spouse: withdraw until they give in

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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