106 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Boundaries In Your Marriage

by mike on January 22, 2013

106 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Boundaries In Your Marriage

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss chapter 1, “What’s a Boundary, Anyway” from the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

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-For marriages to thrive, there must be boundaries 

-Knowing where the boundary lines are in marriage means each spouse having ownership of him or herself

*so many times in marriage, we blame OUR behavior on our spouses, like we have no control over it

*You must take responsibility for your actions, attitudes, behaviors, feelings, etc.

*You are not at  the mercy of your spouse’s behaviors or problems

-Marriage is not slavery

*Each spouse needs to realize that they have freedom: they are never FORCED to do anything

*They may feel like or tell people they have no control, but that is absolutely not true!

-Freedom, responsibility, and love are the triangle of boundaries

*As one increases, the others do as well and the cycle continues

*As love increases, spouses become more free from the things that enslave them (sin), which causes them to gain greater responsibility of their life.  As they become more responsible, they are able to love more, and on and on.

-Boundaries are a way to keep the bad out while protecting the good

*A spouse, for example, may have to force an alcoholic to move out in order to protect the children and ultimately the marriage

-Boundaries are all about self-control

*You don’t impose them on your spouse, they are about yourself

*For example, you don’t say “you can’t talk to me like that”, but you can say “I will walk out of the room every time you talk to me like that”

-Example of boundaries include:

-Words

“No, I won’t do that”…”Yes, I want to do that”…etc.

-Truth

*We cannot cross the boundaries of universal truths (think Ten Commandments) and have healthy relationships

-Consequences

*Cancelling a credit card

*Ending an abusive conversation

*Going ahead and eating dinner when a spouse is late for the thousandth time

-Emotional Distance

*If your spouse has deeply violated your trust, you may have to take some time before they can earn your trust again

“I love you, but I don’t trust you.  I can’t be that close until we work this out.”

“When you show you are serious about getting some help, I will feel safe enough to open up to you again.”

*Be careful not to use this boundary with an impure heart just to get revenge instead of trying to resolve the conflict

-Physical Distance

*Removing oneself from an argument or heated situation

*Taking some time away from one another to sort things out

*Moving out to get treatment for an addiction

*Separating from physical abuse or substance abuse

*Moving into a shelter to protect children

-Other People

*Sometimes you may need a third party present to help give you the spine and support to set your boundaries with your spouse

-Time

*You have to know when to walk away and discuss something later

*Also, instead of trying to work on everything in your relationship all at once, you should set goals on when to work on specific things

-To run from a relationship is not setting boundaries at all

*Divorcing to “find oneself” is not setting boundaries, it’s running

Would you like to work with Mandy and Mike one on one?  Check out the Beyond Your Wedding Day Marriage Prep Course.

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