088 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Chastity Within Marriage

by mike on July 10, 2012

088 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Chastity Within Marriage

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we discuss the fifth chapter of the book “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West, “I D0-ing It”.

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*Why do married couples need the virtue of chastity when the wait is over?

-First of all, remember, chastity is not the same as abstinence, so we are called to be chaste within marriage, not just until marriage

-Also remember, “chastity is the virtue that that frees all our sexual thoughts, desires, and behaviors from self-seeking and orders them toward the truth of authentic love”

-Therefore, everyone (including married couples) are called to be chaste because that just means everyone is called to authentic love

*What does chastity within marriage mean, practically speaking?

-Since marital sex is the renewing of the wedding vows, it’s important to remember that a valid marriage is free, total, faithful, and open to children.

*Free: This means that sex is definitely not used as a sort of reward or punishment system by one spouse.  That’s not freely loving your spouse.  It also means that sex is not just used as an uncontrollable outlet for self-gratification.  You must learn to control your sexual desires, not the other way around to truly be free

*Total: You must give completely of yourself to your spouse during sex, which means you must be vulnerable.  Also, it is ideal for both spouses to reach climax at the same time.  A husband who climaxes outside of intercourse is not giving himself to his spouse at all.

*Faithful: Fantasizing about someone else during sex would definitely be a violation of faithfulness in the heart.  You are to be giving all of yourself to your spouse, which is impossible if you are thinking about someone else.  This is why pornography is such a negative thing in a marriage.

*Open to Children: Basically, knowingly using contraception to prevent life is a violation of your wedding vows.

*Are you saying the only time you are supposed to have sex with your spouse is when you are trying to have a baby?

-That is not what the Church teaches (although many mistakenly believe so)

-Procreation is the primary end of sex, but not the only end

-It just means that you are not supposed to intentionally impede conception while having intercourse

-It could also be “using” your spouse if you are just having sex to have a baby.  You should be having sex to re-commit your love for each other

*Does the Church teach that oral sex is wrong even for married couples?

-The Church doesn’t address this directly

-It becomes a problem when it occurs outside of the act of intercourse (in other words, when the end game is male orgasm)

-Just be careful if you are going to use it as foreplay that you don’t cross over the line into lust

-Never should a spouse who is uncomfortable with oral sex be forced to do it: that is complete self-seeking gratification

*What about anal sex?

Obviously, a husband should never intentionally ejaculate anywhere but in the vagina

-As far as foreplay, technically speaking there should be nothing wrong with it

-But you do have to ask yourself if you are really truly symbolizing the renewal of your wedding vows

*Why does all this sound so mechanical?

-You cannot separate the body from the soul

-A husband and wife, through their bodies, are loving each other as God loves

*Is the missionary position the only acceptable way for Catholics to have sex?

-There certainly is nothing wrong, per se, about other positions

-The key, as always, is to make sure you are promoting love and unity with your spouse during sex

-You should be able to look into each other’s eyes even at the most vulnerable moment!

*What’s wrong with trying to spice up your sex life with a little variety?

-Certainly doing things like candles, music, lingerie, variety in location or position, etc. can add to the experience

-“But truly good sex has nothing ESSENTIAL to do with these things”

-The most fulfilling and best sex is when husband and wife completely surrender themselves to each other

*Why can’t married couples just go with the passion of the moment?

-If couples just follow their disordered passions, they will inevitably end up using each other

-Following the passion of wanting to communicate deep love to each other will be way more powerful than lust once it’s trained into us.  Following that passion is encouraged!

*What if sex makes me feel dirty, even if I intellectually know that it is holy and good?

-Chances are, your impressions about sex from growing up are deeply rooted in your psyche and soul.

-Almost all of us were exposed to all kinds of terrible things growing up in relation to sex (pornography, older kids describing sexual encounters, abuse, etc).

-It’s important to think back about your childhood in order to bring things to the surface and ask God to take them away from us

*Does the Church teach that a wife must “submit” to her husband’s sexual needs?

-No, it does not.  Paul’s directive for wives to submit to their husbands does not mean that they must submit to their husband’s disordered sexual need for their own gratification.

-Husbands: if you are constantly being rejected for sex by your wife, you need to take a look into your own heart and assess whether you are using your wife for gratification or recommitting your love to her.


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