065 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Forgiveness

by mike on January 11, 2012

065 Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast-Forgiveness

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In this episode of the Beyond Your Wedding Day Podcast, we continued our discussion of the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. We discussed Chapter 9 “Falling Forward: Marriage Teaches Us To Forgive.”

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*one researcher found that the average married couple actively communicates on the average just twenty seven minutes per week

*apathy is the opposite of love for your spouse, you should be constantly moving toward your spouse

-Husbands tend to be worse at this than women

            *men tend to not express their love even if they are thinking it: this can come off to their wives as disinterest

*men also tend to view being independent as manly and being interdependent as being weak

-Emotions

            *no matter what we are feeling, we should be constantly going towards are spouse with love

*even if we have feelings of hate for them at the moment

-Becoming One

            *many couples get to the point where they are saying and thinking the same things at the same times often

*it is a true comingling of souls: something that should be strived for in marriage

*stereotypically, men feel loved by how often you have sex, women feel loved by how often you talk

*many marriage books will say that if the husband starts having long conversations with his wife, she will “repay” him with wanting to have sex more

-this is definitely oversimplifying things

-you should instead approach it as a spiritual exercise, not just to get something in return

*the point is to be constantly striving to give our spouse our “gift of self” regardless of their actions or motives

-Having fellowship in your marriage involves 3 things:

            -Not running from conflict

                        *marriage is the perfect training ground to learn not to run away once there is any conflict

*every relationship has conflict

*most people find a new church, a new job, a new neighborhood, etc. once there is conflict instead of working through it; we have to be careful to not let that practice creep into our marriages

-Compromise

                        *compromise can be such a dirty word, but sometimes it is a way to say “I love you”

*I prefer the word synergize: two people coming up with a better solution together than if you would have come up with one by yourself

*sometimes you just have to die to yourself

*And maybe more importantly, don’t gloat if your spouse gives ground to you

-Acceptance and Loyalty

                        *it is ridiculous to ditch your spouse for the next best thing.  Most people find after doing that, the “next best thing” isn’t so great after a couple of years or so

*don’t throw away years of commitment and work for someone younger, more sensitive, etc.

*you need to accept your spouse for who they really are, not who you dreamed them up to be during the infatuation stage

-Marriage fosters forgiveness

*we cannot control our spouses actions, so we must let the go (as the father did in the story of the prodigal son).  However, we have to be ready to accept them with open arms (as in the story)

*it is natural to want to push away when our spouse sins against us, but, as Christians, we are called instead to keep moving toward them with forgiveness

*do you think most engaged couples would list as their top reason to get married “so I can learn how to forgive”

*we must use grace and forgiveness with our spouse and not beat them over the head with “their sins”.  That is one of the quickest ways to deteriorate a marriage: a self-righteous spouse beating the other up with their sins

-Loving the sinner

*forgiving someone is a process, not an event.  It is rare that you can just “forgive” someone and completely move on

*without forgiveness in a marriage, the heart becomes poisonous and it affects every aspect of their life

*maybe the hardest, but most essential, thing to do in a marriage is to hate the sin, but love the sinner.  Much easier said than done

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